Dear Diary
by Debi
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventures at Rawley Academy for Boys? Part 10 is rated R.
1. The Adventure Begins

Title:Dear Diary, Part 1/?  
Author:Debi  
Email:IanFan9@aol.com  
Feeback:Pretty please? It's so good to hear what you think! (good or bad)  
Rating:PG-13 (for now anyway)  
Category:Jake and Hamilton (for ever...)  
Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my wildest fantasies!  
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley?  
Spoilers:Kinda pointless now...  
Thanks:As always to Ev for being a great sounding board. And to my husband who still has not divorced me as a result of my YA obsession. (He is, however, trying to convince the folks at Betty Ford that I belong there...)  
  
  
  
Wednesday, July 5, 2000   
  
Well, I'm here. Rawley Academy for Boys. Now the question is, how long will I be here? I'm dying to see how long it takes her to notice that my letters are coming from a boy's school. Actually, I'm curious to see if she even reads the letters I send. Anyway, I'm here. Now what do I do? I have to unpack, but that won't take long, I didn't bring much with me. I'm hoping I won't be here for more than a couple weeks. I can't imagine what her reaction to all this is going to be, but at least it will be a reaction - good or bad -it's a reaction. Well, this is it for now, I'm going to get settled and go look around. At least the campus is beautiful. There are so many trees I'll bet fall is amazing around here. Too bad I'm not going to be here to see it.  
  
Almost forgot, get this - a little while ago, I heard all this shouting. I look out the window and what do I see? Not Santa and eight tiny reindeer, but dozens of kids running across the lawn in their underwear! Guys and girls, practically streaking across the school lawn. Actually, one guy was streaking; he wasn't wearing anything at all! Anyway, they're all running across campus in their underwear. Every school has their strange traditions, but this one moves to the top of the list!  
  
Thursday, July 6, 2000   
  
I was right; the campus is really beautiful. Orientation was as boring as every other school. One interesting thing though, during the staff speeches, the coach of the crew team announced that there were spots open on the JV team for summer session. (That's not the interesting part though). Afterwards, several guys were standing around talking about joining. I would have totally ignored them, except for this one guy. WOW. He was so beautiful! As I walked past, he happened to turn around and look my way. WOW. I have never seen such beautiful blue eyes. I couldn't help but stare. I left there breathless and depressed. Breathless because he's so incredible looking, depressed because I can't get to know him. I'm not planning on making friends here! I'm praying I won't be here long enough to make friends. If I get close to anyone it will only complicate matters. I'm pretending here after all! I was surprised there wasn't school stationary in with all the junk they give out at orientation. Every other school has done that, figures that because I'm looking for something, it's not there. I'll have to go hunting for some tomorrow and classes start Monday. I wonder what people do for fun around here?   
  
Saturday, July 8, 2000  
  
This place is really quiet! Too quiet. I ended up taking my bike out for a very long ride just to have something to do. I saw that gorgeous guy from orientation this morning at breakfast. He looked like he was going to come and sit down by me, but I grabbed my tray and left before he could. I thought about him for most of my ride. I didn't want to, but I couldn't chase him out of my thoughts.  
  
Sunday, July 9, 2000  
  
For lack of anything better to do, I called home. Consuela was there as usual. She said she misses me and I miss her. I really miss her cooking! Mom was out and about, of course. It occurred to me that I have been here for 5 days now and she hasn't called to see if I got here okay. I mean, I could be dead in a roadside ditch and she'd never know it.   
  
I spent most of the day in my room. The desk is right under the window and gives me a great view of the lawns. Guys were everywhere and every one of them was playing some kind of sport! From hackeysack to football. The testosterone levels around here are off the charts. I realize it's an all boys school, but god! Now I know where all the stereotypes come from.  
  
Monday, July 10, 2000  
  
Classes are the same thing/different school, with one exception. The crew coach - well he's also my English Lit teacher. And Mr. Gorgeous Blue Eyes - he's in the class with me. I spent the entire class trying to not to look at him. I have never seen a guy that beautiful. Sounds stupid to call a guy "beautiful" but it works for him. His eyes are amazing, so incredibly blue and intense. And his lips...oooh, they look so soft and kissable. I'm almost sorry I'll be leaving soon. I'd love to get to know him. Of course, even if I were staying, I'd be getting to know him as a guy and not as myself. Not exactly what I'd want.....  
  
I have to find school stationary, so I can write Mom.   
  
Tuesday, July 11, 2000  
  
Finn, the English teacher/crew coach made another pitch today in class for the JV crew team. After class, he specifically asked if I was interested in being the coxswain since I'm small. Yikes! I didn't know what to say! He caught me totally off guard and before I realized what I was doing - I agreed. What an idiot! It's just going to complicate things when I leave. I have to hurry up and get that stationary and get things moving along before I make another boneheaded mistake. The school office said they were waiting for the new stationary to come in - great. I don't care if it's new or old, I just want it to say Rawley Academy for Boys!!!!  
  
Wednesday, July 12, 2000  
  
OMG! I went to the first practice for crew and guess who walked right up to me! Yep, Mr. Gorgeous Blue Eyes himself. And get this, he knows about my motorcycle! I have no idea how he knows, but he knows. I was annoyed at first because he tried to bargain his silence with rides, but then he tells me he can keep a secret. Oh boy, you have no idea honey!! This crew team thing is going to be really difficult, too. He sits in the first seat of the boat, directly across from me. Any idea how hard it is to concentrate with those eyes and lips right in front of you? Close enough to touch! Wait, it gets better...when Finn stopped practice for a break, he took his shirt off.....AAAHHHHH! He's got an incredible body to match that incredible face. Beautiful, sculpted, delicious muscles everywhere! The guy must live in the gym. I had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep a neutral expression on my face when that shirt came off. I think it's still bleeding.... Oh and the best part, after practice we walked back to the dorms together. Get this - he's the dean's son! His name is Hamilton. I feel for him, that's worse than Jacqueline. But jeez, the dean's son? How do I get myself into these things?  
  
Mom better figure this out quick. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next week!  
  
Thursday, July 13, 2000  
  
This is impossible!!! Hamilton stopped by my room today. He asked me about the bike again. He told me he'd help me find a better place to hide it. I'm not sure why, but I told him about all my transfers and how I make them happen. I don't know what I was thinking. I swore I wasn't going to make friends here. But for some reason, I felt like I could tell him. We talked for quite awhile, messed with my computer and decided to grab something to eat together.  
  
A strange thing happened as we left the dorms though, he took the cap I was wearing and tried it on. I was nervous because the cap helps hide my face, but that wasn't the weird part. When he gave it back to me, he said it smelled good! It immediately made him uncomfortable when he realized what he said, and I tried to blow it off. But it was nerve racking, I don't need him finding out who I am. The plan was the Mom would figure it out, not the dean's kid.   
  
I'm getting angry, still no stationary! I called home again, but as usual spoke to voice mail.  
  
Saturday, July 15, 2000  
  
Even though it's Saturday, Hamilton came by and we hung around the dorms. I was surprised, I would have thought he'd want to be at home on the weekend. Right? I mean why be in a dorm, when you can be in your own house? We also moved my bike today. "The perfect hiding spot" he told me. He swears no one will find it. We'll see.... We've been hanging out a lot. I gather that being the dean's son has a way of alienating you from the rest of the students. He tries to act macho, but I don't buy it. There is a lot more to him than he shows. It's really hard to stay "Jake" around him, though. I get comfortable talking to him and almost forget that I'm supposed to be a guy. And it's impossible not to think about how he looks!  
  
Sunday, July 16, 2000  
  
I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!! I KISSED HIM!!   
  
I was trying to show Hamilton some games on the computer today, but the connection was slow and it wasn't working. I commented that we needed a satellite hook up to make them run properly. He asked if we could use the satellite dish on the roof. Sounded like a good plan, right? I mean, I've "borrowed" plenty of systems before without getting caught. So off to the roof we go....  
  
On the way, we pass a bunch of guys in the common room talking about girls and relationships. Hamilton apparently feels he's an expert on the subject because he starts telling me (this is funny) what girls "really" mean when they talk to guys. Cute, huh? He also informs me that regardless of what a guy says, he really means he wants to have sex. All in all, an interesting (and enlightening) conversation, until....  
  
He opens his fly and takes a leak right there!!!! My first thought - 'didn't your mother teach you any manners?' My second thought - OH MY GOD!  
  
So here I am, trying not to stare (I wasn't very successful) and he's still talking about sex with little Hamilton hanging right out there in the open. GOD HELP ME! I have always felt I was in control of my urges, but the combination of the view and the conversation was pushing my buttons just right.  
  
Before I know it, we're sitting on the roof ledge staring into each other's eyes. For a split second, his eyes turned serious and I felt drawn to his lips. It was like being pulled in by a tractor beam!! I couldn't help it. I had this strange, primal need to kiss those lips. It was only a matter of seconds before I remembered I was supposed to be a guy. I pulled away, apologized and got the hell out of there, fast!   
  
I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I'm damn lucky he didn't beat the hell out of me for doing that. This was not a part of the plan!! This wasn't supposed to happen.  
  
The worst part of it all - for a spit second - he kissed me back.   
  
Tuesday, July 18, 2000  
  
I haven't had a coherent thought in days. I keep replaying that kiss in my mind...over and over. I can't help it. It felt so incredibly good, even if it was only a few seconds. I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do. I've been calling Mom for days and she hasn't called me back yet.   
  
The smart thing to do here would be to declare this idea a failure and run like hell. But I guess I've never been one to do the 'smart' thing. I wouldn't be in this situation if I were....  
  
Wednesday, July 19, 2000  
  
Hamilton is still avoiding me. The only time I've seen him is class and practice and he hasn't spoken to me at all. It stings, but maybe it's for the best. I won't be here long.  
  
Thursday, July 20, 2000  
  
Hamilton came by today. He barged into my room, talking very fast, like he was afraid if he didn't blurt everything out right away, he would never say what he came to say.   
We agreed to forget about the kiss, but when we shook hands and looked at each other, I felt that tractor beam again. No, I didn't kiss him again, but god, I wanted to...   
  
One thing is obvious, though, he doesn't realize that I'm a girl. And I don't know if I should tell him. There are so many unanswered questions here. What happens in the next few weeks when Mom realizes I'm at an all boys school and yanks me out of here? Do I tell Hamilton the truth then? Do I tell him now? Do I tell him at all? Is he going to hate me forever if I tell him? I don't think I could handle him rejecting me. He's the first person I've felt comfortable with in ages. And what happens when I leave, will he keep in touch? Will I get to see him again? Will I be Jake or Jacqueline? My head is starting to hurt. I'm going to sleep.  
  
Friday, July 21, 2000  
  
Hamilton was speaking to me today, but it was obvious he was uncomfortable around me. I guess being on the team together has its advantages (besides the view). It forces us to spend time together. I think if it weren't for that, he would have stopped speaking to me all together after I kissed him. But forced closeness has a way of making you work through things.   
  
I tried to call Mom again. She's flown to LA for the weekend. How nice....   
  
Tuesday, July 25, 2000  
  
The school finally has stationary. Mom still hasn't returned any of my calls. Consuela keeps making excuses for her, but I see right through them. I wrote her a quick note on the stationary and was leaving to mail it when Hamilton appeared at my door. Like an idiot I was checking to make sure the corset was properly doing it's job when he showed up! Not what I wanted him to see. He came to let me know that if I'm gay, then fine, but he is NOT gay. Funny thing was, he didn't sound like he believed his own words. I covered and didn't bother to correct him. I just wanted to get out of there and get the letter in the mail. The sooner she reads it, the sooner I'll be out of here (I hope).  
I kinda blew him off and I swear he almost looked disappointed. I haven't managed to answer any of my own questions, yet. How could I possibly answer any he might ask? This is fast becoming an impossible situation.  



	2. Things Get Weird

Title:Dear Diary, Part 2/?  
Author:Debi  
Email:IanFan9@aol.com  
Feeback:Pretty please? It's so good to hear what you think! (good or bad)  
Rating:PG-13 (for now anyway)  
Category:Jake and Hamilton (for ever...)  
Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my wildest fantasies!  
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley?  
Spoilers:Kinda pointless now...  
Thanks:As always to Ev for being a great sounding board. And to my husband who still has not divorced me as a result of my YA obsession. (He is, however, trying to convince the folks at Betty Ford that I belong there...)  
  
  
Wednesday, July 26, 2000  
  
I should be happy that the letter got mailed, but yesterday started out weird and only went downhill. When I went to get my bike, it was gone! Yep, that perfect hiding spot that Mr. I-Know-Everything-Here showed me wasn't so perfect. I found him out on the lawn reading. If I hadn't been in such a panic, I would have had a hard time getting past how he looked. But after a rough start (he has no idea how to act around me now), he agreed to help me get it back. He thinks the groundskeeper has it. We're going after it tomorrow night.   
  
Note to self, he looks amazing in dark blue. If it were possible, it makes his eyes even more beautiful and more blue. And the beaded choker he was wearing made me want to kiss and suck on every inch of his neck. I guess this is what raging, teenage hormones feel like...  
  
Thursday July 27, 2000   
  
I have my bike back!   
  
I think I smoothed things over with Hamilton, too. We had such a fun time getting the bike out of the grounds shop and into a new hiding place. We talked about a lot of things, and in an effort to make things 'normal' (god, were they ever?) between us again. I promised him I was not gay. Hey, it wasn't a lie! I just really want him to feel comfortable around me again. I love being with him, even if it's as Jake. I guess for now that's got to be enough. It's really up to Mom now. I wonder when she'll get the letter?  
  
Friday, July 28, 2000  
  
Okay, so maybe I didn't smooth things over with Hamilton as well as I thought. I wanted to go for a bike ride after class. I thought it was only fair to invite Hamilton along, since he helped me get it back. I found him watching (ugh) a boxing match in the common room with a bunch of guys from the dorm. He wasn't paying much attention to me and when I invited him for the ride, he completely ignored me. Didn't answer, didn't even look at me. I have to admit, that hurt.  
  
  
Sunday, July 30, 2000  
  
I ran into Hamilton today. I had gone down to the lake to think and avoid the guys at the dorm. God, can they be childish or what? He actually came up and said hi. I couldn't help but be sarcastic. He apologized for ignoring me and we talked for a while. It was nice. He seems to be a lot more comfortable with me when no one else is around.  
  
Mom should be getting the letter tomorrow, if she didn't get it yesterday. I'm dying to know if she'll call, come up here or just have the administration "handle" me.  
  
  
Tuesday, August 1, 2000  
  
Hamilton is handling things a little better. I remind myself constantly to act like Jake when I'm with him. Still haven't heard from Mom. I know through Consuela that's she's home right now and the letter did get there. Why hasn't she called? Did she even read my letter? I absolutely despise this feeling, waiting....wondering....not knowing.   
  
Thursday, August 3, 2000  
  
I give up. I caved in and called home, even though I swore I wouldn't. Get this, she's gone! Yep, she got the role she's been hoping for and she's off to Hollywood again. She left without even telling me. Hell, she left without even talking to me! She never did return any of my calls. This is just the icing on the cake... I'm so ticked right now, I'm not sure which way is up. I should leave Rawley right now, but I'm not sure that's what I really want to do. I'm confused, I'm going for a walk.  
  
Friday, August 4, 2000  
  
Well, going for a walk yesterday turned out to be a mistake. I was barely out of the dorms when I saw Hamilton.....walking with this red headed chick (bottle red). I couldn't resist finding out what was going on, so I jumped into their conversation (literally). He had just asked this girl (Lena) out to the drive in tomorrow tonight. She looked at me like a cat staring at a goldfish bowl and invited "Jake" to come along. Like an idiot, I agreed to go! Then she tells me I look like her ex-boyfriend. Hamilton did not look happy. I swear this situation cannot get any more screwed up.  
  
And I still have no idea what to do about Mom. How do leave your home and travel over 3,000 miles without thinking that you might want to call your daughter and let her know? This is bad, even for her...  
  
Saturday, August 5, 2000  
  
I'm trying to figure out what I want to do here. Obviously, my plan did not work. Mom didn't catch on and she seems to care even less than usual. I came here to make her notice me and that has proved to be a total failure. I could pack up and leave Rawley right now and no one would notice, right? I wouldn't have to pretend to be Jake and I wouldn't have to hide and lie and suffer through corsets and boxers. I could just leave and be Jacqueline again, right? So why is it that I'm not packing, yet? What is it that makes me want to be here?  
  
Hamilton  
  
And tonight is the drive in with Hamilton and Lena. Oh god!  
  
Sunday, August 6, 2000  
  
Last night was plain weird. Hamilton, Lena and I went to the drive in. It was awful, for the first half of the movie, she's fawning all over me. Leaning in close to me...staring....all of that stuff. Talk about uncomfortable! And Hamilton was silently fuming in his lawn chair the whole time. I'm not sure if he was mad at me for moving in on Lena or Lena for flirting with me, but he was not happy. For the second half, I ended up stuck between them and caught them both staring at me. Easily the weirdest day of my life. (Pretty tall order considering my current situation!) I was so happy when the movie was over. Thank god Lena goes back to LA tomorrow.  
  
I'm trying to convince myself to leave. Life would be a lot less complicated. I just haven't succeeded, yet.  
  
  



	3. Finally, The Truth

Title:Dear Diary, Part 3/?  
Author:Debi  
Email:IanFan9@aol.com  
Feeback:Pretty please? It's so good to hear what you think! (good or bad)  
Rating:PG-13 (for now anyway)  
Category:Jake and Hamilton (for ever...)  
Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my wildest fantasies!  
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley?  
Spoilers:Kinda pointless now...  
Thanks:As always to Ev for being a great sounding board. And to my husband who still has not divorced me as a result of my YA obsession. (He is, however, trying to convince the folks at Betty Ford that I belong there...)  
  
  
Monday, August 7, 2000  
  
I assumed too quickly and was wrong. Going to the drive in with Hamilton and Lena is now the second weirdest day of my life!!   
  
Today is now the weirdest day. First, Hamilton catches me in the courtyard this afternoon and tells me "I won" Lena. He's all upset because Lena liked me and not him, so he tells me "you're a guy, she likes you, go for it". There are just too many things wrong in that sentence to even get started on. Then later, Lena shows up in my room. She wants to "thank" me for making her feel welcome and tells me she's transferring to Rawley girls. You want to know how she says "thank you"? She kisses me! Can you say "freaked out"? I tried to put her off by saying I was in love with someone. It seemed to work and but then, she tells me Hamilton said it was a bad idea for her to try and hook up with me. She thinks he was jealous. I tell her it's because Hamilton likes her. She tells me she thinks Hamilton likes me!!! Why would she think that? The absolute worst part of the day came as Lena was leaving. The cretins gathered out in the hall saw her leave my room and started cheering. In an attempt to be "Jake", I go with it. But just as I do, who comes walking up? Yep, Hamilton! And of course the guys just have to fill him in on what they just saw. I swear, he looked so hurt. He looked like he couldn't breathe or get out of there fast enough. Now I'm left to wonder, was he hurt over losing Lena or could Lena possibly be right? Could he actually like me?   
  
Oh, my head hurts again.  
  
Tuesday, August 8, 2000  
  
I really need to figure some of this stuff out and quickly. Every day I'm here as Jake, things get more complicated. The problem is that I don't know what I want to do!! (OK, there are a few things I know I want to do, but they all involve Hamilton's body. Can't go there...)   
  
It's obvious that my brilliant plan to get Mom's attention did not work. She's just as clueless as ever, wrapped up in her own life and totally oblivious to mine. So, having failed in my attempt to get her to notice me, I should leave. Really, I should. The only thing I'm doing here is making Hamilton's life miserable and making myself even more depressed. I love being around him, but every minute is heaven and hell all at once. Heaven to be with him and hell because I'm lying the entire time. If I stay here, I have to tell him. There is just no way I can keep being "Jake" around him without making any more mistakes. It will be worse if I don't tell him, god forbid he finds out some other way, but I'm terrified of what his reaction will be. I just don't know how or when. I mean, what do you say to a guy who thinks you're his "buddy", when really you're a girl and falling hopelessly in love with him? Not your everyday conversation between buds.   
  
I know it's late, but I'm going for a ride. I need to think and these four walls feel like they're closing in on me.  
  
Wednesday, August 9, 2000  
  
Everyone is talking about the Summer Cotillion. It's Friday night and I'd give anything to be able to go. It would feel so wonderful to put on a dress and act like a girl again. I was daydreaming this morning at breakfast about how incredible it would be to go as Hamilton's date to a dance when one of the guys sat down and asked, "who's the chick"? I had no idea what he was talking about then he explained that I had that look on my face that guys get when they're thinking about a really hot babe. Well, the really hot babe part is right.... I made an excuse and left quickly.   
  
Maybe I should try to get Hamilton to go to the dance. I mean we could go as friends and then if the night goes well, I could tell him afterwards? It's not like there is going to be a "right time" to tell him. At least if we had a fun time, he'll be in a good mood and might not get as angry. Yeah, right. Dream on Jacqueline, he's going to be mad as hell.  
  
Consuela tells me Mom will be back in New York next week. She finished shooting in Hollywood. I wonder if she'll get around to calling me while she's home.  
  
Thursday, August 10, 2000  
  
OK, I'm going to bite the bullet and ask Hamilton if he wants to go to the dance after practice today. More later....  
  
Thursday, August 10, 2000  
  
He said OK! He seemed a little unsettled after he agreed, but he agreed! He agreed, he agreed! I can't believe it. I shouldn't be this excited though, I have to wear a tux instead of a dress and it's not like we're going to dance with each other or anything. But still, he said OK and we'll be spending several hours together. I'm going to tell him right after the dance. Everyone will be busy taking their dates home or whatever, so things should be pretty quiet around the dorm. We'll be able to talk then. I'm so scared. No, I'm beyond scared. I'm shaking just thinking about telling him.   
  
I bet he'll look pretty cute in a tux though.... Oh shit! I have to find a tux now!  
  
Friday, August 11, 2000  
  
UNBELIEVABLE! He bailed on me. He's going to the cotillion with Lena. Not with me like we planned, but with Lena. I caught them out by the lake today making plans to go together. I barely managed to cover the hurt in my voice. I wish I knew what he was thinking. The look on his face when I walked up to them? It was weird, like guilt mixed with macho pride. Kinda like, 'see I can get a real date to the dance', but maybe some guilt because we already had plans? Oh, I don't know!! So much for my plan, but I guess I'll have all night here alone to think up another one. One of these days, I might actually come up with a plan that works. I think I'm going to cry. I hate crying...  
  
Friday, August 11, 2000  
  
Hamilton HATES me! He kissed me, I told him and he hates me.   
  
After spending a good hour crying like a fool. I decided I had to do this, Lena or no Lena. I got dressed and went to the dance after all. When I went in, I saw him coming across the room with Lena. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me. After Lena walked away, I was going to walk over and talk to him, but he turned around and high tailed it out of there.   
  
I caught him alone a little later and told him we needed to talk. He agreed, but then something flashed across his face. Some thought that must have scared the living hell out of him because he tells me "I'm sorry, I can't do this" and walks away. I left, but guess what? He followed me, into the bathroom no less.   
  
So, I'm by the sink in the bathroom when Hamilton comes barging in. He comes right up to me and grabs my arms, but then starts checking the stalls. I asked him what he was doing and he tells me "throwing caution to the wind". Caution? What caution? But before I could say or do anything, HE kisses ME. Oh my god, it was such an amazing kiss. Under normal circumstances, I could have died and gone to heaven because Hamilton kissed me. Under these circumstances, I went straight to hell, because Hamilton just kissed "Jake" and now I have to tell him I'm not really Jake, I'm Jacqueline.  
  
It was obvious we both enjoyed the kiss this time, and of course, he freaks, thinking we're gay. Definitely time to tell him. After a moment of verbal fumbling, I finally blurted out "I'm a girl". Go figure, he doesn't believe me. I have to prove it to him.   
  
When I finally get my shirt open to prove that I am 100% female, he looks at me in total shock. Shock which quickly turns into disgust.   
  
And then he leaves.  
  
Without saying a word.  
  
He hates me.   
  
I don't think I've ever felt worse than I do right now.   
  
Saturday, August 12, 2000  
  
I didn't sleep at all last night. All I could think about was the look on Hamilton's face as he walked away. I looked all over campus for him today and he was nowhere to be found. None of the guys have seen him either.   
  
When I find him, I'm going to apologize and tell him I'm leaving Rawley. If he gives me the chance to explain, I will. If not, I'll just say goodbye and leave. I've moved before, one more won't make a difference.   
  
Who am I kidding? I don't want to leave. I just don't think I could stay here knowing he hates me.  
  
Sunday, August 13, 2000  
  
Still no Hamilton, I looked everywhere I could think of, except his house. I couldn't handle the idea of knocking on the Dean's front door after messing with his son's head the way I have. It's Sunday night and usually he'd be in the Common Room, but he's not. No one saw him all weekend. My last chance to find him is tomorrow in class. Hopefully, he'll give me a chance to explain. I don't want to leave without talking to him, though. He has to at least know I didn't intend to hurt him. If I can figure out what to say, I'll write him a letter. Just in case he refuses to speak to me.  
  
I was such an idiot to think this whole charade would work.  
  
  
  



	4. Kiss Me

Title:Dear Diary, Part 4/?  
Author:Debi  
Email:IanFan9@aol.com  
Feeback:Pretty please? It's so good to hear what you think!   
Rating:PG-13 (still)  
Category:Jake and Hamilton (forever...)  
Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my wildest fantasies!  
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley?  
Spoilers:Kinda pointless now...  
Thanks:To everyone who provided me with such great feedback from Parts 1 & 2.  
  
  
  
Monday, August 14, 2000  
  
Wow, where to begin today? So much has happened since last night. I guess early this morning is the best place to start.   
  
I still couldn't sleep last night, every time I closed my eyes, I saw Hamilton. And felt completely rotten all over again. I tossed, turned and paced all night long. I thought about coming to Rawley, my mom, Hamilton, what Hamilton was thinking, what Hamilton was doing.... I gave up trying to sleep around 5:00 and went to take a shower. I was hoping it would help me gather my thoughts so I could write Hamilton a letter to explain everything. I was still praying that he'd let me talk to him and explain face to face, but just in case, I wanted to have a letter ready. He had to know I didn't do all this just to make his life miserable. As it turned out, I didn't need the letter. As I started to write, there was a quiet, but urgent knock on my door. Guess who was there? Yep, it was Hamilton.  
  
At first I thought he was furious and came to fight. His hands were shoved into his pockets and he did not look happy. I felt all the energy drain out of my body, I didn't want to fight. I was too exhausted for fighting. But then, the most unbelievable thing happened, he kissed me again. It was the most amazing kiss. It was full of want, need, relief, tenderness, lust....all mixed into that one kiss. I get little shivers up and down my spine when I think about that first kiss this morning. I say first kiss because there were many more. We kinda had a hard time stopping. It just felt so incredible to be there...with Hamilton...as a girl. He finally knew who I was and wanted to be there anyway. God, that feels so good to say! I'm so relieved. We managed to talk a little between kisses. Obviously, he wanted to know why I was doing this. Since we still had to get to class, I gave him the Cliff's Notes version and promised that he would get the full story when we had more time. Mostly, though, we kissed. It was like we had been putting this off for so long, we couldn't get enough of each other. I have to say, he's an amazing kisser!  
  
Eventually, we realized we had lost track of time and were now late for class. I got dressed quickly and we headed for the lake. Finn hates being in a classroom when the weather is nice, so he holds class outside. It's actually pretty cool. Anyway, we got there late and Finn was already rambling on about today's poem. As we sat down behind the rest of the class, I noticed Lena. She gave us a funny look and then looked the other way for the rest of the class. I guess she feels weird after what happened last week. I know I still get freaked when I think about the way she was coming on to me. I mean, she has no idea I'm a girl, but to come on to someone who's not interested is uncomfortable, for anyone. It was so hard to concentrate on class. All I could think about was Hamilton. He was sitting right next to me and it was all I could do to keep from kissing him again. My next classes were a little easier to get through. Hamilton isn't in those, so I managed to pay a little attention.   
  
We were supposed to have lunch together, but we ran into his mom before we got to the Dining Hall and she needed help with something, so lunch together didn't happen. We don't have any afternoon classes together, so we agreed to meet for dinner instead. There's a Friendly's in town and we thought that was a good place to have dinner and talk. Wrong! Did you know that both Will and Scout work at Friendly's? We didn't. We still had dinner, but we couldn't talk about anything personal like we intended. We didn't want to take the chance that Will or Scout would overhear our conversation. So it was football, computers and definitely no kissing. It was still nice to be with him, even if I had to be "Jake the guy".   
  
We were hoping for some time alone (finally) after dinner, but as we got back to campus, we ran into his mom again. She was heading home and wanted Hamilton to come with her. We couldn't really argue with her, so he went home and I came back here. I'm totally bummed that we didn't get to be alone tonight. I really wanted to end the day the same way it started - kissing Hamilton.  
  
Tuesday, August 15, 2000  
  
Hamilton came by my room this morning before breakfast. It was so nice to have him be the first person I saw today. I couldn't help but smile when I opened my door and saw those incredible blue eyes looking back at me. I swear those eyes are just too amazing, my heart starts to pound just thinking about them. We had breakfast together and I was in a really great mood until we came out of the Dining Hall and saw the maintenance crew hanging banners for Parent's Weekend. It reminded me why I was here in the first place and instantly ruined my good mood. Hamilton asked if my mother was coming. I told him she doesn't even know about Parent's Weekend because I haven't actually spoken to her in weeks. He then informed me that the school sends special invitations to all the parents, so if she has gotten her mail, then she should know about Parent's Weekend. My good mood was slipping farther by the second. We didn't have much time before class, but I raced back and called home to see if Mom had gotten an invitation. Consuela told me she did get the invitation, but hadn't said anything about coming to Rawley. Mom is apparently in pre-production for her next project, which happens to be in New York. She's been right at home all week and I haven't heard from her once. It figures.   
  
I guess it's a good thing she's not coming though. If she came she'd find out about "Jake" and I would have to leave Rawley...and Hamilton. I don't think that's something I want to do just yet.   
  
Wednesday, August 16, 2000  
  
Hamilton came by first thing this morning again. I could totally get used to this, I love seeing him before anyone else. Breakfast together was nice, but after that I didn't get to see much of him. We still haven't had a chance to talk privately. With Parent's Weekend coming up, his mom has him doing all kinds of extra projects for her. Apparently, Parent's Weekend is a big deal for the school administration and the fund raising department. Even Finn is showing signs of stress. The Summer Regatta is during Parent's Weekend and I hear that Rawley Crew hasn't done real well the last few years. Finn's been pushing hard to make sure the team is ready for the race. Personally, I wish I could just leave the campus tomorrow night and come back Monday morning. The last thing I need is to be surrounded by everyone else's parents.   
  
Thursday, August 17, 2000  
  
It never fails, just when I start to relax, life slaps me in the face again. Just to make sure I don't get too comfortable or happy.  
  
I got an email from Mom today. Guess who's coming for Parent's Weekend? Yep, Monica Pratt is actually taking time out of her busy schedule to come see her daughter. Should be good news, right? That's what I wanted when I came here, right? Go figure, I get what I want right about the time I decide maybe that's not what I really want. The best part - she's coming to Rawley Girls! She totally missed the part about it being a boy's school. She has no clue what's really going on here. Now I have to figure out what to do. Do I get caught like I planned or do I try to get out of this somehow? During the few brief moments he wasn't working for his parents, Hamilton pointed out that if I got caught, I would get thrown out of here for sure and we'd never see each other again. Not an appealing idea at all....  
  
So, how I do get out of this latest mess?   
  
Hamilton said he'd sneak away from his parents later and we'd try to figure something out. At least we have a little extra time. Unlike the other parents, Mom isn't coming until Saturday. Hamilton said once the guests start arriving on Friday afternoon, his parents go into full political mode and tend to forget about him. He should have lots of time to help me with this disaster.  



	5. Parent's Weekend

Title:Dear Diary, Part 5/?  
Author:Debi  
Email:IanFan9@aol.com  
Feeback:Pretty please? It's so good to hear what you think!   
Rating:PG-13 (still)  
Category:Jake and Hamilton (forever...)  
Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my wildest fantasies!  
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley?  
Spoilers:Kinda pointless now...  
Thanks:To everyone who provided me with such great feedback from Parts 1 & 2.  
  
  
Friday, August 18, 2000  
  
God only knows if this is going to work or not, but Hamilton and I have figured out how to get through the next two days without getting caught. Yes, I decided I don't want to get caught. I like it here, I really do. For the first time in two years, I'm not planning my next move before midterms. This is the last place I thought I'd feel comfortable, but I do. Hamilton is a huge part of why I'm comfortable. He accepts me, as I am, crazy charade and all.   
  
Anyway, I'm going to meet Mom over at Rawley Girls and then take her into town and keep her busy doing the 'tourist' thing. I'm sure she's going to want to leave early Sunday to get back to the city, so I should only have to keep her busy tomorrow and Sunday morning. Hamilton said he'd be around to help if needed. I'd love to have him there, but I'm not sure I want to explain him to her just yet. I'm dying to tell someone about how wonderful he is, just not Mom. There are too many questions that would have to be answered and I'm not ready to have that conversation with her. I'm still mad that she totally missed the fact that I changed schools again and that it's an all boy's school to boot. I can't handle her playing 'interested parent' just because there is a guy in my life.  
  
One fun thing did happen today; I got to go shopping and buy dresses. I couldn't very well meet Mom dressed like Jake, so I had to get something to wear. There isn't much in the way of shopping in New Rawley, but I did manage to find 2 sundresses that should suit Mom's taste. They're both pink. I'm really not into pink, but she is, so they'll do. She's going to freak about my hair though. She doesn't know I cut my hair off and we all know how important the right appearance is to her.  
  
Hamilton wanted to go shopping with me, but his mom had more things for him to do and I wanted to go alone anyway. It would look pretty weird having 2 teenage guys shopping for dresses. He seemed disappointed that I wanted to go alone, but I promised him he could see what I bought when I got back. He was waiting for me in the spot where I hide my bike. It was so cute, he kept trying to peek into the bags, but I wouldn't let him. I told him he'd have to wait until we got to my room. I was so nervous getting changed. I mean, he wasn't watching or anything, it's just that this was the first time he was going to see me as Jacqueline and not as Jake. What if he didn't like what he saw?   
  
Turns out I didn't have to worry. The look on his face was priceless when he opened his eyes! It made me feel so good. He seemed pretty happy and liked the dress. Since he was finally able to get away from his parents, we were going to hang out together. I started to change back into jeans and he asked me not to. He said he wanted to enjoy the dress a little longer. I just about melted into a puddle right then. It was so sweet and the way he was looking at me was incredible. It was heavenly to have him hold me, kiss me and touch me without all the usual layers of clothing in the way. The skin to skin contact alone was enough to make me dizzy. I could get used to the way that felt...  
  
Saturday, August 19, 2000  
  
Just a quick note before I run over to the girl's campus:  
  
I'm terrified! What if this doesn't work? What if I get caught over at Rawley Girls? Hamilton swears that if I just act like I belong there, no one will notice. But jeez, how can he be so sure? And what if Mom asks me something I can't answer? I'm supposed to get her away from campus as quickly as possible, but what if she insists on meeting my teachers or something? God, I'm making myself crazy here. OK, deep breath, I'm leaving now.  
  
This could be my last weekend at Rawley...  
  
Saturday, August 19, 2000  
  
Just when I thought we had averted a crisis, another one comes along. We got through today, thanks to Hamilton, but now we have a big problem for tomorrow. Rawley Girls is having a luncheon at the exact same time as Rawley Boys has the Regatta. How am I supposed to be in two places at the same time? Since I don't go to Rawley Girls I had no idea that there even was a luncheon, much less made plans to attend it! Besides, shouldn't the girl's school be out there cheering for the boy's school at the race instead of stuffing their faces? Whose idea was this anyway?  
  
Hamilton is on his way over here now to help me figure out what do with this latest mess. I swear he is so special. Most guys would have run away screaming by now. Instead, he just gets more sweet, thoughtful and incredible every day. I can't think of anyone who would go through what I've put him through and still care about me. Today, just as I was about to lose control of Mom - all of 5 minutes after she got here - he shows up out of nowhere and takes control of the situation. He took us on a tour of the entire campus and let her talk like crazy for hours! She was so occupied with him, she totally forgot about wanting to meet my "roommate". We did make one mistake, since we didn't get to talk much this past week, I hadn't told him my real name yet and he called me Jake. Mom didn't seem to notice, though. She even 'informed' me that he likes me! We didn't tell her we were together, so, are we that obvious? We could get into some serious trouble if we are. It's one thing to have my mom pick up on our feelings for each other, she knows I'm a girl and will be gone tomorrow. But if the guys at school are picking up the same thing....we could have major problems.  
  
After we figure out what to do about the Regatta, I'm going to have to properly 'thank' Hamilton. I never would have gotten through today without him. I have got to be the luckiest girl in the world to have him in my life.  
  
Sunday, August 20, 2000  
  
Wow, what a day this has been. We got through the luncheon and the Regatta and Mom left without figuring out that I don't really go to Rawley Girls. The luncheon was just plain weird! I hate all these stupid 'ladies luncheon' things in the first place and then Mom starts asking me all these questions about Hamilton and wants to talk about SEX! This is exactly why I didn't want her to know about him, yet. She's all interested in our relationship, but she couldn't tell you where I was going to school last semester. Yesterday, she said she missed me, but how do you 'miss' someone and yet be so clueless about that person's life, especially when it's your own daughter?  
  
The Regatta was cool, even though I had to keep ditching Mom and cut it close a few times. We won and that felt really good. On a sour note, Scout Calhoun called us "lovebirds" on the dock in front of the whole team. We're going to have to be a lot more careful in public. I hadn't thought about what other people thought until this weekend and that was a big mistake on my part. I've been so wrapped up in Hamilton and my own problems, that I didn't consider that there is a whole school full of guys that still think I'm a guy. I can just imagine what would happen if Hamilton's father got wind of his son being involved with another guy instead of one of the little princesses from across the lake. I'm quite certain I'm not what his father has in mind for him.  
  
Again, I would not have made it through the day without Hamilton. He got me back and forth between the two events and generally kept me calm when I was ready to lose it. And I learned something VERY interesting about him today. He's a virgin, too. That little detail makes me very happy. Our relationship is still new, and I'm not ready for sex yet, but I like knowing that there hasn't been anyone else for him. When I am ready, I want it to be with Hamilton and knowing that it would be his first time, too, makes it more special. I will admit that it's a little hard to imagine how a guy like him - intelligent, funny, sweet AND drop dead gorgeous - is still a virgin. Especially given his proximity to a whole school full of girls. But I guess that's just another part of what makes Hamilton Fleming so special.  
  
He supposed to come over later if he can get away from his parents. I really hope he can. More than anything, right now I just want to have his arms wrapped around me so I can forget about the rest of the world and the ridiculous mess I call my life.  
  
Monday, August 21, 2000  
  
Today felt strange. All the pomp and circumstance of Parent's Weekend and the Regatta was reduced to one clean up crew. It left me feeling almost melancholy. I should have been celebrating that we got through the weekend without getting caught, but that wasn't what I kept thinking about. As my mom left, she said I was 'happy' and that whatever I was doing - I should keep doing it. She also said I'd never needed her to tell me what to do, so she wasn't going to start now. How does she always manage to miss the point? I've done everything on my own because she's always left me alone. She was never around to tell me what to do! As for being happy - that's all Hamilton. No one has ever treated me the way he has. He cares about me, he pays attention to me and he is willing to throw everything else out the window for me. I'll never forget that he kissed me when he thought I was a guy. He was willing to set aside everything he believed about himself and kiss another guy because his heart told him to. I will love him forever for doing that.  
  
Hamilton was able to come over last night and we stayed up late talking about everything that happened this weekend. I finally got to explain why I did all of this in the first place. He was a bit shocked to say the least when he heard the whole story. He told me that it's obvious that Mom cares about me, so why didn't I just try to talk to her instead? It's hard to make him understand, he may have his own parental issues, but the fact remains that he grew up in the same house with both of his parents. Whatever kind of workaholic his father may be, he was still around. I don't even know my father. Hamilton's mother obviously adores her son and they have a pretty great relationship. So Hamilton may understand loneliness, but he doesn't understand what it's like to spend a holiday with your housekeeper or have your mother in another country on your birthday.   
  
We also talked about Scout's comment on the docks. We agreed that we're going to have to be much more careful around other people. Students gossip like crazy and that would really complicate things. He doesn't want word getting back to his parents that he's involved with a male student, if for no other reason then they would start asking a lot of questions and I would get caught for sure. He said something really sweet, too, he said he wouldn't even want to think of me having to leave Rawley.   
  
Maybe Hamilton is fate's way of balancing out my mother?  
  
Who knows... I'm just glad this whole Parent's Weekend thing is over! I knew I should have just left Thursday night and not come back until today...  
  



	6. First Date

Title:Dear Diary, Part 6/?  
Author:Debi  
Email:IanFan9@aol.com  
Feeback:Please! It's inspiring and helps me write better.   
Rating:PG-13 (for now)  
Category:Jake and Hamilton   
Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my wildest fantasies!  
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley?  
Spoilers:This part takes us through "Gone".  
Thanks:To everyone who provided me with such great feedback from Parts 1 & 2.  
  
Tuesday, August 22, 2000  
  
I'm still thinking about Mom. I'm really confused here, part of me is really happy she didn't catch on to my little charade this past weekend, but another part of me is furious that she didn't. How screwed up is that? I certainly don't want to leave Hamilton, but the whole purpose of my being here was to get my mother to notice and realize how little she really knows me. Sure it was nice that she liked my hair cut short and that she remembered the pink dress I had when I was 6 and that she wanted to know about Hamilton, but somehow I still feel like she missed the point. I was basically lying to her the entire weekend and she had no clue. If we had a real mother/daughter relationship I wouldn't have been able to deceive her so completely. Of course, if we had a real mother/daughter relationship, I probably wouldn't be sitting here wearing boxer shorts instead of silk panties in the first place! I guess seeing her just opened up the old wounds and I'm having more trouble than usual closing them back up.  
  
Hamilton resumed his habit of coming by first thing in the morning. He came by yesterday and today. I love starting my day that way. I can't get enough of those amazing blue eyes... I think he and I are the only two students on campus who get up real early - for different reasons, though. I get up before everyone else so I can get a shower without all the guys around. Showering and going to the bathroom are the hardest parts of this charade and the most risky. Hamilton gets up early to take his dogs for a run around the campus and then he goes to the gym. I knew he had to put some effort into that incredible body of his; I'm just surprised that he gets up early to do it. Most of the gym rats around here work out after classes are over. They prefer to sleep in and hit the gym in the afternoon. It's kinda fun though; knowing he and I are awake while everyone else is still snoring away. I was even thinking about joining him on his run, but I have to figure out how and where I would take a shower afterwards. I'd be pushing my luck taking a shower that late here in the dorm. It would be nice to get in some exercise again. I haven't really worked out since coming to Rawley and I'm starting to feel fat. I don't get any exercise as the coxswain of the crew team and Jake would look funny if he went on a diet... I get enough strange looks from the other guys around here.  
  
Oh, Hamilton and I decided we're going to try to hang out with Will and Scout more. They seem pretty cool and we see them at the diner a lot. We thought that the four of us hanging out together would look less suspicious to the other guys, like Ryder. And maybe if we got to be better friends with Will and Scout they might be less inclined to spread rumors about us.   
  
Ryder, have I mentioned him before? Well, he's this royal pain in the butt import that seems to live for the sole purpose of tormenting other people. One of his favorite targets is Hamilton. Just our luck, the school jerk watching our every move is the last thing we need. I asked Hamilton why Ryder dislikes him so much. He said he really doesn't know, just that ever since Ryder started school here, Ryder's been especially nasty to him. I can't imagine why anyone would hate Hamilton. From what I can tell, he spent most of the last few years keeping to himself, so why hate him?   
  
Then again, I do have a somewhat biased opinion of Hamilton Fleming.... :)  
  
Wednesday, August 23, 2000  
  
Mentioning showers and going to the bathroom last night made me realize something important. My period is going to start soon. Last month was hard to hide, but this month is going to be harder. Last month Hamilton was avoiding me half the time, so it was easy to get away from school and go shopping in another town. One quick stop in the bathroom of a gas station and I'm a girl again. I can shop for whatever I need without it looking funny. This month Hamilton is going to ask why I'm leaving campus and he'll probably want to come with me. I REALLY don't want to explain this to him. I know he'd understand, but things with him are still new, so it's kind of embarrassing. I've had to come up with some rather interesting ways of keeping all the "girl stuff" hidden. Not the least of which was modifying my backpack so I could hide things under the hard insert at the bottom of the pack. I used Velcro to keep everything in place in case the pack ever got upended in front of other people. I try to carry it around a lot so it won't look as strange when I carry it for 3 or 4 days straight every month. It's going to be very interesting this month....  
  
I should go shopping soon and get what I need before it starts. Maybe I'll pick up some girl clothes, too. It would be nice to dress up occasionally, even if it's just in my room for Hamilton.   
  
Thursday, August 24, 2000  
  
I went shopping today! And I was right about Hamilton asking why I was leaving campus. As soon as classes were over, he asked me what I wanted to do. I said I needed to take my bike and do some shopping. He asked what I was shopping for and if he could come with me. I dodged the all girly stuff by saying I wanted to surprise him. Since he was pretty happy with the "surprise" dresses from Parent's Weekend, he let it go. I found all the necessities easy enough, but the dress and shoes were harder to find. There isn't really a big mall near New Rawley, so you have to settle for smaller ones and individual stores. It's really easy to find jeans and gym shoes, but more of a challenge to find fancier clothes. Not a big problem if you're used to it, but I'm from New York City. I'm used to some of the best shopping in North America all right in front of you! I did manage to find something simple yet sexy, but they only had it in brown. Again, not my favorite color, but it's way better than pink. I managed to find shoes, too. The dress is tight and the shoes have high heels, so Hamilton should love it. Now I just have to find an excuse to wear it for him.   
  
It was fun to shop as a girl again and be myself for a few hours. I forget how much I miss these things until I do them again. Then I get totally depressed that I have to keep up this charade, but after I spend a few minutes alone with Hamilton - I remember why it's worth it. I was enjoying being a girl again so much that it took a lot longer than I planned. By the time I got back to school, I had missed getting to see Hamilton tonight. He had to get home early. There was a note under my door saying he had to develop some pictures he took for his Mom and that he would miss me tonight. He also said he can't wait to see my surprises. I'll bet he'd be surprised if he got a look in the bag from the drugstore!   
  
Friday, August 25, 2000  
  
After classes were over Hamilton and I came back here to hang out. He kept trying to find the bags from my shopping trip to see what I bought, so I suggested we go for ice cream. Two things always distract Hamilton - food is one of them! Will and Scout were both working, although the place was empty while we were there. We hung out, ate ice cream and talked with Will and Scout. Scout went over to invite Bella to join us, but came back alone and looking pretty weird. It looks to me like Scout has a major thing for Bella. It's weird though, because he doesn't seem to have done anything about it. And I could have sworn I heard Will whisper something about incest to Scout before Scout walked across to the gas station. Definitely something strange there...but then, who am I to judge anyone else's "strangeness" these days?   
  
Hamilton proved again just how thoughtful he is, too. Whenever we're around other people he always tries to find a way to say something sweet that only I'll understand. I love it when he does that, it makes me feel so special. Anyway, he did it again tonight and I just wanted to jump into his lap and kiss him right then and there. Of course, I didn't. Will and Scout look at us funny already, but I made up for it when we got back here. Now I'm going to bed to have sweet Hamilton dreams!  
  
Saturday, August 26, 2000  
  
Another totally crazy day at Rawley Academy! I swear sometimes this feels more like a roller coaster ride. One minute, things are great and the next - plunging over the edge screaming....  
  
Let's see, the day started out rather well. Taking the chance that the Rawley boys would rather sleep in on Saturday than go to the gym, I joined Hamilton on his morning run with the dogs. We went to the gym afterwards and while he worked that oh-so-stunning body of his into even more stunning shape; I took my shower in the gym locker room. Hamilton was around to "guard" me should anyone have come in, but my guess was correct. Not a soul was to be seen that early on a Saturday morning. After he had showered we headed for breakfast and talked about how much fun it was to run together. I was surprised I could keep up with him. It's been so long since I worked out and running with the corset on was most uncomfortable. But shortly after we started, Hamilton took off his shirt and I stopped thinking about my chest and started thinking about his. The rest of the run went rather well!  
  
After breakfast we stopped in the Common Room and started talking to Will and Scout. Scout looked as though he had just gotten some exercise as well. But Will, geez, that doofus had just lost $500 to Ryder playing poker! What kind of fool is he anyway? The guy is here on scholarship and he gets suckered into gambling with Ryder? While he and Scout pondered how Will was going to pay off the debt, Hamilton and I decided we were "starved" and made a break for my room. We were trying to convince ourselves that Will and Scout don't suspect that we're a couple, a male/male couple, that is, when Hamilton commented that they couldn't possibly doubt HIS masculinity! I couldn't help it - I just HAD to mess with him! I told him he knew he liked boys; that's why he liked me. He looked like I had knocked the wind out of him. Then he said this whole situation was messing with his head. Inspiration struck and the opportunity to wear my new dress presented itself. I suggested that we go on a real date. Seemed like a great idea at the time...little did I know it would be mostly a disaster!  
  
I gathered my clothes and makeup and we headed for the bike. I remembered a nice looking restaurant from my shopping trip and decided that it was far enough away to be safe. We were just about to leave when Ryder caught us. So now the school jerk knows that we were leaving together and that I have an illegal motorcycle on campus. Great. Just great.  
  
Anyway, we get past that and head out of New Rawley. We stopped at the docks so I could change. While I was inside, the Big Bad Male Ego Monster was outside taking control of Hamilton's mind! My sweet, thoughtful, loving boyfriend was turned into a male chauvinist. First, he insisted on driving the rest of the way to the restaurant. Ok, fine. It's only MY bike, but since I was wearing a very short skirt and heels - I let that one slide. Hammy can drive for once. We got to the place and it was nice at first. We held hands and he kissed me. That felt wonderful, people everywhere and we got to hold hands and kiss. Then the monster returned - he called me "foxy". Who the hell says "foxy" in this decade? Anyway, I laughed. I mean, come on, it was funny and made me uncomfortable; so I laughed. And he got all offended - and called me a cross dressing she-man! That stung, but again, I was willing to let it slide. However, Hamilton decided to sit there and be angry. I tried to apologize for laughing, but even that turned into a mistake. He somehow turned my apology into an excuse to order lunch "for the lady". That did it. I've been ordering my own meals since I was about 6! Why on earth would he figure I couldn't handle it now? Plus, he ordered salmon! If he knew me as well as I thought he did, he'd realize I don't even like salmon. We eat together at least once a day, every day! You'd think he'd have a clue what I like to eat. Anyway, I know what HE likes to eat (and doesn't) so when he suggested that "Jake" order for us both since I was out of practice at being a girl, I nailed him. I ordered scallops, knowing full well that Hamilton Fleming does not like scallops. To his credit, he sucked it up and ate them anyway. By desert things were slowing getting back on track. Then the check came and the Ego Monster returned. I wanted to pay for lunch and that must have assaulted his male ego, because he didn't like it. This was the final straw, I let him have it and he dished it right back. We didn't speak much as we left the restaurant and the ride back to the docks was completely silent.  
  
While I was inside changing back into Jake and pouting over what a huge mess this date had become, I decided to try to lighten the mood again. When I walked back to the bike, I made a comment about what my mother would do if she knew I had used such a dirty bathroom. Instead of going with the joke, he used it send another little zinger my way about me being strange. I decided it was time for the truth, no more verbal sparring. I asked him flat out if he thought I was a freak for doing this. I swear my heart stopped beating until he answered. To my great relief, he said no. He admitted that he was just confused by the totally weird situation we're in and not sure how he's supposed to act. As if there is some sort of standard behavior manual for falling for your best guy friend only to find out he is a she who is cross-dressing for parental attention! Yeah, there's a manual out there for that one... Anyway, the moment was saved and the roller coaster eased out of its plunge when he said he's just confused because I'm his best guy friend at school and yet I'm his girlfriend that he's "totally in love with"! That last part sort of slipped out and at first I wasn't entirely sure I had heard him right. So, I made him repeat it. And he did. Hamilton said that he loved me. I thought my heart would burst with the pure joy those 3 little words brought to it. I told him that I was in love with him, too. It was such a wonderful moment, I've played it over and over in my mind and I break out into a huge smile every time. He loves me!  
  
Then we headed back to New Rawley - I drove. When we got into town we noticed Will, Scout and Bella at the diner and decided to join them. I know who Bella is, but hadn't ever been formally introduced. After we were introduced, I made a tactical error. A fairly big one. I told Bella she had a cute coat. The three of them gave me strange looks and Hamilton shot me a fierce warning look. Bella looked at me funny for the rest of the night. It was unsettling to say the least, but we enjoyed hanging out with them. The diner was empty again (I'm amazed they stay in business, there's hardly ever anyone there) so we got to goof around, make jokes and have some fun.   
  
We got back to campus, stashed the bike and went to my room to say goodnight. We both apologized for the disaster that was our date, but agreed that the day had been salvaged. I hated to see him leave, but I know I'll have really sweet Hamilton dreams tonight! After all, he said he loves me...  
  
End Part 6  
  



	7. Never A Dull Moment

Title:Dear Diary, Part 7/?  
Author:Debi  
Email:IanFan9@aol.com  
Feedback:Please! It's so inspiring and helps me write better. It also lets me know if you're still interested in the story.   
Rating:PG-13 (for now)  
Category:Jake and Hamilton   
Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters. If I owned Hamilton, we'd be alone on a tropical island.  
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley?  
Spoilers:This part takes us through "Free Will".  
Thanks:To Ev, as always. This part was really hard to finish up, life intervened and derailed me, without Ev's help and patience - it still wouldn't be finished!  
  
  
Sunday, August 27, 2000  
  
Running in the morning with Hamilton is turning out to be a lot of fun. I was really sore from yesterday's run, but he slowed down a bit and I was able to keep up. Actually, I intentionally kept a step or two behind him. The view from back there is really pretty nice, especially when he takes his shirt off! I never knew a guy's back could be so incredibly sexy. Watching all those muscles flex and move is rather breathtaking and he has a habit of wearing his shorts low on his hips, which shows off just a little more.... I find my mind wandering to those shorts quite a bit lately. Sounds terrible, but I do. I'm used to thinking about his incredible chest, after all I see it practically every day at crew practice. In fact, one of these days at practice, my mouth will engage before my brain has the chance to edit my thoughts and the "coxswain" and the "first seat" will be in big trouble... It's just that lately my thoughts are of a much more "private" nature. It's almost unsettling to be having these thoughts. I don't think I'm ready for sex yet, but still, I can't seem to stop my mind from wandering into that zone. You know...what would it be like?   
  
Anyway, back to my day before I need a cold shower. After breakfast we were trying to decide what to do for the day when Will and Scout joined us. We all hung out for a while and then ended up playing football with some of the other guys from the dorm. I don't think Hamilton realized I could play and he was a bit surprised the first time I got past him with the ball. He then took to tackling me every chance he got. All in all, it was a lot of fun and a nice way to spend the day.  
  
I was bummed when Hamilton had to leave. But it's Sunday night and he had to be home in time for an early dinner. His father makes a big deal out of Sunday dinners and they sometimes do stuff together after dinner. It's one of the few times that Dean Fleming puts his family first and lets the rest of the staff worry about the school. Hamilton tried to down play going home for the night, but I know it's important to him. I wasn't mad, if anything, I'm jealous. It may only be one night of the week, but it's still more than I get from my mother. Even though she's still in New York, I've only heard from her once since Parent's Weekend. During that call she informed me that she would be leaving again in a few weeks. She didn't even seem to notice the timing. This means she'll only be home for a few days after school gets out. So I'll be spending most of the break between Summer Session and Fall Semester home alone. Again.   
  
If I had a place to stay, I wouldn't even bother going home. The trip home is a real pain in the butt (literally) and I'm going to miss Hamilton like crazy.   
  
Monday, August 28, 2000  
  
We had a very interesting discussion during crew practice today. Finn will often get us out into the lake and then stop to discuss literature. I guess he feels that he can mix English Lit with crew practice since he's in charge... Anyway, we were talking about fate, destiny and the things that you can and can't change in life. Scout made the point that you can't change your parents. It made me wonder if I would change parents given the opportunity. Would I leave Mom to her career and go be someone else's daughter? I still haven't come up with an answer. I've totally changed my life, my school, my appearance, even my voice to make people think I'm a boy and yet, my own mother still hasn't noticed something was amiss. So, would I ditch her and go be with someone else? I don't know.  
  
Tuesday, August 29, 2000  
  
God what a terrible day! Ryder caught us in a private moment today. It was awful. We usually try not to touch each other at all unless we're in my room. But we have to be really careful about spending too much time alone in my room or who sees us going into my room. Most of the guys here don't keep their doors closed when they're in their rooms and only a few keep the door locked. If Hamilton and I go into the room together and close the door when someone else is around, it looks bad. There have been a lot of people hanging around lately and the lack of private time is getting to both of us. Hamilton found me alone by the Common Room this morning, so we ducked behind one of the bookshelves in the corner for a kiss. We were just saying that we needed a better way to be together when Ryder appeared out of nowhere. We were nose to nose and had our hands on the others chest. Not a good thing for anyone to see, least of all Ryder. Now the question is - what is Ryder going to do about what he saw?  
  
We've spent all day wondering what he was going to do. He could easily go running to Hamilton's father. Figuring we were pushing our luck around campus with Ryder on the loose, we took my bike and went for a long ride after class and practice. It's so nice when we can get away. But even then we are still in public and it's just not the same as when we get to be alone in my room. I really want to spend some "quality" time with him. I love when I can take off the corset. When I can touch him, hold him and kiss him without worry. I think about touching and kissing him way too much and I think it's just because I can't actually touch and kiss him whenever I want. I dream about Hamilton and all the wonderful things we could do as a real couple and not this screwed up mess I've created.  
  
It means a lot to me that Hamilton has been willing to put up with all the extra crap to be in this relationship. Most people would have backed out long ago. I know he means it when he says he loves me, no one would put up with the situation if they weren't really in love. It just wouldn't be worth the effort, which makes Hamilton Fleming that much more special. And makes me love him even more...  
  
Wednesday, August 30, 2000  
  
God Ryder is a pain! He just lives to torment other people. I was having a perfectly nice moment with Hamilton (who was wearing nothing but swim trunks at the time, hence the perfectly nice part) and Ryder had to come along and ruin it. Everyone was on the docks this afternoon, swimming or just enjoying the water. I was totally jealous, I wanted to put on a bathing suit and jump in with them. Of course, I couldn't, so I settled for talking to Hamilton and enjoying the view. Ryder comes along and makes some snide comment about the "Dean's daughter" being pretty. Hamilton was not happy. Neither was I, but my "manhood" is not really in question here, now is it?  
  
I also think he said something to Will and Scout about us. Right before Ryder came up to us, he had been talking to Will and Scout who were at the other end of the dock. Right after Ryder left us, Will and Scout were giving us some very strange looks. I think Ryder may have said something about yesterday's incident. Not good at all.  
  
I think this was the first moment Hamilton truly believed that people were talking about us. I know we worry about it all the time and we talk about it, but I think this was the first "proof" for Hamilton. He was way too quiet after that incident. I know something was bugging him. I just have to wait for him to tell me what exactly it was.  
  
I wanted to get him alone tonight, but he said he needed to talk to his mom about something first and then before he could get to my room he ran into his dad. I had to settle for a good night phone call. I'm totally bummed because I've been thinking about Hamilton in those swim trunks all day. I swear he must lower that waistband down a few inches on purpose! Those extra few inches of eye candy drive me wild. I almost begin to understand what a teenage boy thinks like for real. I never thought I was capable of thoughts this impure.   
  
Thursday, August 31, 2000  
  
I swear guys can be so incredibly clueless at times!!   
  
Hamilton is making decisions for me again and this time on a much larger scale than what to eat for dinner. He "decided" that he should move into the dorms, into MY room, with ME. He didn't ask me, he didn't talk to me. He just went to his mom and asked her if he could move into the dorms "with Jake". Boy would I like to see his mother's reaction if she knew who I really was...  
  
Anyway, he comes in today while I was working on my final paper for Finn's class and tells me his 3EB poster would look great on the wall by the window and that his stereo is better than mine (it's not by the way). I ask him what he's talking about and he informs me that he's moving in like it's no big deal.  
  
Needless to say, I freaked.   
  
He didn't talk to me about this first. I think I would have handled it much better if he had. But he didn't, and he hit that nerve again by assuming and trying to make decisions for me. I've been making my own decisions for a long time now and I don't react well to someone trying to make them for me. Call me overly independent, but that's who I am.  
  
Then I realized under his plan we'd be sleeping and living together...in the same room...all the time.   
  
Again, I freaked.   
  
My mind was trying to process way too many thoughts all at once. I was mad about not being asked first, thinking about how this situation would look and making a mental list of pros and cons about living with Hamilton. I was really confused, but when I told him he better think of another solution, he must have taken that as me rejecting him because he stormed out of the room.  
  
I've been sitting here thinking about it since. Not one more word of my paper has been written. I keep replaying things over and over in my mind. I'm still angry about not being asked first. Hamilton has got to realize that it really bugs me when he tries to think for me. I'm used to being alone. I love having him in my life, but that's still new. I've been basically alone for a long time. I can't forget that overnight just because of him.   
  
I also realized that part of the reason I freaked out so much was that I like the idea of him living here. I like the thought of being able to spend time alone with him every night, maybe sleeping with his arms wrapped around me and waking up to that beautiful face every morning. I like the idea of getting closer to him. I like it so much that it scares the hell out of me. And that was why I told him to go find another solution.  
  
Friday, September 1, 2000  
  
Now I know why Bella was looking at me so funny that night at the diner. She guessed my secret right away. Apparently, she saw right through the act and figured I was a girl. Lucky for me, she kept quiet about it and only just told me today that she knew.   
  
I took my bike and went for a very long ride this afternoon. I needed to think and the walls of my room were making me crazy. Hamilton didn't show up this morning like he normally does and avoided me all day. I was in a perfectly rotten mood and figured a nice long ride away from Rawley would help. I stopped for gas in town on my way back and Bella was working. One thing led to another and she told me she knew. Before long we were talking about all kinds of girl stuff. It was so nice to get to talk to someone about my feelings for Hamilton finally. But then she informed me that all the guys at Rawley think Hamilton and I are gay. I pretty much already knew this, but hearing her say it was unsettling.   
  
Anyway, after I left Bella, I came back to school and wanted to try and talk to Hamilton. He wasn't in any of the usual places, so I went down to the docks. He wasn't there, either. Normally, I would have just left and gone back to my room. I don't like hanging out by the docks unless it's for crew practice. Being there just rubs it in that I can't go in the water and I don't want to risk getting thrown in or something silly like that. But today, I was feeling angry enough to say to hell with careful. I even went so far as to go out with only one shirt on instead of the usual two. I sat down at the end of the dock to think.  
  
I should have left as soon as I realized Hamilton wasn't there.  
  
But I didn't leave and only a few seconds after I sat down, Hamilton did show up. Ryder must have said something to Hamilton as he walked past, because the first words out of Hamilton's mouth were "god, that guy is such an ass". The first words out of my mouth however, were "I'm sorry about everything". Before we could get any further Ryder chimed in again with another rude comment. Next thing I knew Hamilton was racing toward Ryder with his fist ready. He got in one solid punch before I stepped between them. I was trying to stop Hamilton thinking that he probably didn't want to explain all this to his father. I tried to tell him it wasn't worth it, meaning 'fight with Ryder - explain to Daddy'. Hamilton informed me that we weren't worth it and took off.   
  
I came back here stunned. I still am not sure what to think about all this. I'm hurt, confused and shocked. I thought he and I were closer than this. Summer session is over next week and this is not how I envisioned our last week together. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible and we need to talk about what happens next. There are a lot of questions to answer. I wasn't supposed to be here all session. My mom was supposed to find out and yank me out of here. That didn't happen, obviously, so now I'm stuck with what to do for next semester. I like it here, but can I keep up the charade for a full semester? Should I even try? I thought I wanted to, but if Hamilton isn't even speaking to me - why bother coming back?  
  
I guess you could say the ball is in his court. What I do next depends a lot on what he does next.  
  
Saturday, September 2, 2000  
  
Well, I guess that's it, I'm leaving Rawley. Hamilton didn't call or come by last night and he didn't show up this morning either. I can't believe I was so wrong about us. So, I'm out of here...now...this weekend. I don't care about anything except getting out of here. I spent the entire night pacing and waiting for Hamilton to no avail. I have no desire to be here if I'm not with him. My original plan was a huge failure and my only salvation has been Hamilton and now that's a failure, too.  
  
I'm going to tell Bella and then I'm coming back to pack.  
  
Saturday, September 2, 2000  
  
OK. Plan B. I've changed my mind (actually, Hamilton changed my mind). I'm staying for the last week and I will probably be coming back next semester, too.  
  
When I came back I saw Hamilton sitting in the Common Room. I wasn't ready to deal with him yet, but decided to get it over with. I informed him that I was leaving. He just stared at me and said nothing. I took that as acceptance and headed for my room to pack. He showed up at my door a few minutes later and told me I didn't have to leave. I reminded him that he said it wasn't worth it. He said he was an idiot (no argument there), but I didn't stop packing until he came in and closed the door. He held my face and looked at me with such intensity and emotion, I was truly surprised. He assured me he wasn't moving in and apologized for trying to push things. Then he told me that he loved me. He's said that before, but this was different, it was so intense. He kissed me and it was so amazing. It made my head swim. I couldn't get enough of him. I kept trying to get closer to him, but there wasn't even room for air between us. We stayed in my room for a very long time. We probably would have stayed in until Hamilton had to go home for the night, except Will came by to invite me to a surprise party for Bella tonight. He asked me to tell Hamilton if I saw him, but he had this silly look on his face like he knew Hamilton was in the room with me. The idea of a party sounded cool and eventually we left to get Bella a present and go to the party.  
  
The party was nice. Bella was really surprised, but I have to admit to being a little jealous. It stung to watch her and Sean together and know that I couldn't act the same with Hamilton.  
  
  



	8. Summer Ends

Title:Dear Diary, Part 8/?  
Author:Debi  
Email:IanFan9@aol.com  
Feedback:Please! It's incredibly helpful when writing the next part to know what you thought of the last part.  
Rating:PG-13  
Category:Jake and Hamilton  
Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters. If I owned Hamilton, we'd be alone on a tropical island.  
Summary:What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventures at Rawley?  
Spoilers:This part takes us through the finale.  
Thanks:To Ev, as always!  
  
Sunday, September 3, 2000  
  
Finals start tomorrow. Hamilton and I spent the day "studying". I insisted that we study in the common room this morning so we would really get some work done. But by lunchtime, I couldn't stand being that close to him without touching him, so we went back to my room. For the most part, we studied. The rest of the time was spent kissing, touching and trying not to think about me going home in 2 days.  
  
We did talk about next semester, though. Obviously, we don't want to be apart, but keeping up this charade is going to be much harder next semester. Summer session at boarding school is really just an elaborate babysitting service. With the Fall semester comes more students, more classes, more teachers, more risks, more everything! I know I want to be with Hamilton, but can I really keep this up for an entire semester?   
  
And that brings up the "really big" question - when does this end? I can't be Jake Pratt forever, can I? What about graduation or my diploma or my transcripts for college? It would be easy enough to hack in and alter my records for one semester, but 75% of my high school career? And then there is always the possibility that my mother could find out and yank me out of here. Or that Hamilton's dad could find out and expel me. God, the list of complications goes on and on! All this leaves me with the question; should I come back to Rawley Academy for Boys?  
  
I don't have the answer for that one yet.   
  
Monday, September 4, 2000  
  
One day down, one test to go. The first day of finals is over and I only have one test tomorrow. Then I'm leaving for home on Wednesday. Mom will be home tomorrow morning and we're supposed to spend time together before she leaves again Friday morning.   
  
It drives me nuts that she doesn't even think about my school schedule when she makes commitments. I know there are things she has little control over, but even when she could say something, she doesn't. She goes along with whatever everyone else wants and totally forgets about me and what I want. What am I supposed to do for 2 weeks alone? I know I've done it many times before, but it's different this time. I know what it's like to have good friends now and I can't stand the idea of not seeing Hamilton every day. This is going to be the worst two weeks of my life.  
  
Maybe Hamilton can come visit me. That would be heavenly, having him all to myself with no one to bother us and not have to hide who I really am. God that sounds so nice...  
  
It's also little scary. I mean we'd be totally alone. No parents, no students, no interruptions and while that sounds like a very nice idea, I'm worried about what that would really be like. What would we "do"? And do I want to right now? I know I love him and god, it's hard to keep my hands off him, but how much are we really ready for? I admit that one minute I'm ready to tear his clothes off and throw him on the bed. Then the next minute there is a little voice inside my head telling me that I've only know him for a few months and to calm down. Thoughts like this are new to me. I've never felt this way before. No one has ever affected me like Hamilton. No one has ever made me feel so loved and secure - and wanted.   
  
Ok, enough already. If I keep thinking like this, I'll never get to sleep and I'll flunk my test tomorrow. I have the long ride home Wednesday to think about all this stuff.  
  
Tuesday, September 5, 2000  
  
Yeah! Finals are over! No more of that pesky schoolwork...  
  
This is my last entry for a few days, I'm heading home tomorrow and I'm packing everything up today. I don't want to drag out leaving any more than I have to. It's going to be hard enough to walk away from Hamilton, as it is. No sense in complicating things more.   
  
I do need to go find Bella, my bike's acting funny and breaking down on the turnpike is not my idea of a good time. Hopefully, she can fix it for me today while I finish packing.  
  
Back in a few days...  
  
Friday, September 8, 2000  
  
Well, I'm home and you won't believe all the things that have happened in the last few days.   
  
Let's see, I almost took a shower with Hamilton. Finn caught us. I ran away and ended up with Bella, Hamilton and Will on the road trip from hell. We had an accident. Sean and Scout caught up with us. We walked the rest of the way to Carson. Bella saw her Mom for the first time in 10 years. We hitchhiked back to New Rawley. And oh yeah, how could I forget? They all found out I'm really a girl.  
  
How's that for a fun filled couple of days? I was looking to un-complicate things just a few short days ago and now things are more complicated then ever! I have no idea what I'm going to do about school now.  
  
I guess the thing to start with would be the shower. That's what started this whole new mess I'm in. Hamilton asked me to keep him company while he took a quick shower. This was our last full day together and didn't really want to be apart even for a few minutes. Sounds harmless, right? Stand there and talk to him while he gets cleaned up. Get some eye candy while he's wearing nothing but a towel. No big deal, right? That is until he asks me to join him...and I agree. Then just as I'm about to get into that shower, Finn comes in. And sees me standing there wearing only my underwear - right in front of Hamilton - who is already in the shower. Can you say "busted"? Not only did he see a couple of a body parts I did NOT want him to see, now he knows Hamilton and I were about to jump into a shower together.   
  
So, I did the only thing I could think of - run away. I grabbed my clothes and ran like a bat out of hell. I ran all the way to Bella's thinking I could jump on my bike and be out of town before Finn could find me. Wrong! Turns out that Bella was having a crisis of her own and my bike was still in pieces.  
  
Bella was headed for Carson and that sounded far enough away for me. I asked her to take me with her. Like an idiot, I changed clothes and decided to leave as a girl. I should have known better. Enough things had gone wrong already that I was just plain stupid to think this was a good idea. Hamilton ended up joining us and we headed out. But not before Bella sees Will at the bus stop and convinces him to come along, too. The look on his face when he saw me in a skirt and tank top was priceless. I would love to have a picture of that moment. I have to say he took it pretty well, though. And I know Hamilton was secretly relieved to have him know the truth and not think we're gay.  
  
Even running away didn't go right. A deer in the road caused Bella to crash into a tree. We were ok, but the truck certainly wasn't. We were stuck overnight in this creepy old abandoned cabin. No indoor plumbing, no beds, and lots of dust and dirt, not exactly the way I envisioned spending the night with Hamilton...  
  
To add to the fun, Scout and Will's friend Sean showed up. Apparently, they followed Bella when she left town. Something really weird is going on with those three, but I don't know exactly what. I'll have to ask Bella about it sometime. Anyway, so now Scout and Sean know I'm a girl, too. And all I can do is hope and pray they're willing to keep my secret. Assuming, of course, that I'm even allowed to come back to school.  
  
Eventually we made it to Carson. I have to say, even though it was a very long, hot walk, it was kinda of fun. Everyone knew the truth, so Hamilton and I didn't have to hide. We got to kiss, hold hands and be playful with each other without worrying about who saw us or what they thought. It was fun messing with their heads a little, too. Scout was more freaked out than Will and I know they'll have a ton of questions for us when school starts.  
  
While we were waiting for Bella at her Mom's house, I got to thinking about what it would be like to meet my Dad. Most of the time, I don't even think about my father, but this really got me started. Why won't Mom talk about him? What happened between them? Does he know about me? What's he like? If I could get Mom to sit down and have a real conversation, I'd like to ask her about him, but when will that ever happen?  
  
After we hitched back to Rawley, I headed home. Bella's Dad had finished fixing my bike and I was already way behind schedule. It sucked having to walk away from Hamilton. I really didn't want to leave and we hadn't had any time alone to say goodbye properly or talk about Finn. And I was surprised that he just stood there and watched me go. After everything we've been through this summer, I almost expected him to put up more of a fight when it came time for me to actually leave.   
  
But I did, so here I sit, alone in this big, empty apartment. Mom was upset that I got home so late Wednesday and we didn't do much that night. I needed a long shower and some real sleep more than shopping or dinner out. Yesterday was ok, though. We went shopping and had lunch together, but all she wanted to talk about was her new role and Hamilton. I'm still not completely comfortable talking to her about him. It's nice that she's interested in some part of my life, but why the part that involves another person? Can't she ever just be interested in me? And after what almost happened in the shower, I really needed time to think about things before I tried to talk about our relationship.  
  
The shower...I can't get that out of my head. I have every detail of those few minutes burned into my brain. How he looked in that towel. The hopeful expression on his face when he asked me to join him. The absolute shock when I said ok. The look in his eyes while I was getting undressed. I keep wondering what would have happened if Finn hadn't walked in. The two of us...in the shower...wet, naked...what would that have been like? As much as I've seen of Hamilton's body, I can't picture what he looks like completely undressed. The thought scares me as much as it turns me on.   
  
I also keep asking myself what the hell I was thinking to agree in the first place! Jumping into the shower with him? Was I insane? We never even got completely undressed in the privacy of my room with a locked door and yet, here I was stripping down in the dorm bathroom? The only answer I can come up with is that I wasn't thinking; I was reacting. Reacting to the thought of not seeing him everyday, reacting to the idea being alone for two weeks, reacting to the sight of him in nothing but a towel. I totally wasn't thinking and now our entire future may be in jeopardy because of it.  
  
There is no way that Finn didn't see that I'm a girl. Even if he didn't get a clear view of my chest, I was only wearing my underwear and it was obvious that this wasn't a male body. Now the question is, what will Finn do about it? I guess it's too much to hope for that he'll forget about the whole thing. Finn's a pretty unconventional guy, but this is probably asking way too much even for him.   
  
Hamilton is going to try and talk to him and find out what he plans to do, but he hasn't seen Finn, yet. Ham's parents freaked when he didn't come home Tuesday night. Even though they calmed down once he explained about the accident and being stranded, he still got in trouble for leaving without telling them what he was doing. He couldn't really explain why he left in such a hurry without getting into more trouble, so he had to keep quiet and take the extra work at the school his Dad gave him as punishment. But that pretty much kills any chance we had of him coming to visit me here. Phone calls and email will have to do. Of course, if Finn turns me in, phone calls and email will be all there is!  
  
All I can do now is wait. Basically, my future is in Finn's hands and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I hate this...  
  



	9. Home Alone

Title:Dear Diary, Part 9/?  
Author:Debi  
Email:IanFan9@aol.com  
Feeback:Please, it's incredibly inspiring.  
Rating:PG-13 (still)  
Category:Jake and Hamilton   
Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my fantasies!  
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley? This part picks up after the finale. Jake is at home in New York and she has some important decisions to think about.  
Spoilers:Kinda pointless now.  
Thanks:Thank you to Ev, for making me laugh so much! It puts me in a better frame of mind to write. And to everyone who sent feedback on the previous parts.  
  
  
Saturday, September 9, 2000  
  
It's only been one day and already I'm bored out of my mind! If I thought I hated being alone before...this is ten times worse. I miss Hamilton like crazy and it sucks not having people around to talk to. At least on Monday, I'll have Consuela, but she's off for the weekend, so I have to get through today and tomorrow on my own.  
  
I can't help but wonder what's happening at Rawley. I tried to call Bella to see what's up with her, but she wasn't home. I talked to Hamilton tonight, but he hasn't seen Finn or heard from anyone else, either. It was weird because we spent most of the conversation trying not to talk about what happened in the bathroom. We need to talk about it, but I don't think either of us knows what to say yet. Until we find out what Finn is going to do, it's weird. If Finn kicks me out, that shower will probably mean the end of our relationship as we know it now. Long distance...here we come. But, if by some miracle Finn lets me stay, that shower could be the beginning of a new level in our relationship. It could end up being a wonderful thing or a horrible thing.   
  
And I'm also nervous about what he thinks. He got to see more of me than I got to see of him. He was hiding behind a shower curtain! What if he didn't like what he saw? What if maybe he's changed his mind and instead of being with some crazy, cross-dressing tomboy, he would rather be with someone curvy and pretty like Caroline or Paige?  
  
Sunday, September 10, 2000  
  
OK, this is bad...really, really bad! I can't even go shopping without getting confused and plunged back into the abyss of deep thought and questions without answers!!  
  
I thought maybe I'd go shopping today to get out of this boring apartment and just be around other humans for a while. Sounds simple enough, but nooooo.... I get to Macy's and my internal autopilot heads straight for the Women's department. But when I get there I realize I'm looking at dresses and I can't wear dresses at school. So I turn around and head for the Men's department. But when I get there I realize that I don't even know if I can go back to Rawley. If I can go back to Rawley, I'll need Jake clothes and if I'm kicked out, I'll need Jacqueline clothes. I can't even enjoy the one thing that comes naturally to all teenage girls - shopping for clothes! I gave up and went to Barnes and Noble instead.  
  
On the walk home though, I made a decision. I'm going to talk to Finn myself, instead of having Hamilton do it. Maybe if I talk to him I can make him understand the situation and how desperate I was to come to Rawley Boys in the first place. I need for him to know that Hamilton wasn't a part of the original plan. I don't want him to think that this was all just some crazy ploy for a couple of horny teenagers to spend more time together. Now, I just have to get in touch with him...  
  
Hamilton didn't try to talk me of it and I swear I heard a sigh of relief when I told him that I would talk to Finn. I know he wasn't looking forward to explaining all this. We both stand to be in a huge amount of trouble if we get caught, but for him the situation is different. He lives at the school and can't escape the situation, the rumors or his father. At least I can count on my mother to always be off and running to her next "role of a lifetime".  
  
Monday, September 11, 2000  
  
After a little searching today, I found Finn's phone number at school. I left him a message and asked him to call me at home. Now I have to wait for him to call me back. Hamilton said he hasn't seen Finn at all, so it's possible he left campus for the break. That's the last thing I want right now. If Finn doesn't call back, do I go back to school? Do I take the chance that he hasn't told anyone yet? Do I take the really big chance that he'll let me stay?  
  
At least Consuela was back today. It was so nice to talk to her and spend time with her. When Mom is here it's not the same. I can't talk to Consuela the same as when we are alone. I told her all about Hamilton (except for a few details) and how crazy I am about him. I feel guilty for not telling her everything, but it's not the right time yet. I think I want to talk to Finn before I give away too much about my living situation at school.  
  
Talking about Hamilton made me miss him even more. It sucked having to hide all the time at school, but at least I got to see him. I hate the way things ended in New Rawley. I really wanted us to say goodbye in private and not in front of the entire town. I wish I had somewhere to stay, I'd go back there in a heartbeat. It's not like being here is doing me any good. Mom is off being a star and I'm stuck here bored and lonely, missing Hamilton and worried about what's going to happen. What a great way to spend summer break! Yeah, right...  
  
Tuesday, September 12, 2000  
  
Still no word from Finn. And every time I go into the bathroom and see the shower, I think of THE shower. Hamilton and I are still kind of avoiding the subject, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. It worries me that I reacted so easily and without thinking. Me, Miss Reserved, Control Freak herself was completely without rational thought at that moment. I really don't think Hamilton and I would have had sex right then, but still, I was willing to get naked and I wasn't thinking about the possible consequences. The whole thing has made me think a lot more about sex. I know that at some point, I do want to have sex with Hamilton, but the last thing I want to do is screw up my life even more by getting pregnant. I should at least be prepared if and when something like the shower ever happens again.   
  
So, I've made an important decision; I want to go on the Pill. I called the doctor's office this afternoon and made an appointment and everything. It took me all day to work up the nerve to pick up the phone and call, but now that I did, I feel somewhat relieved. This is one little part of my life that I can control. And when the time does come, I don't want anything to go wrong. I want to enjoy it. Uh...I hope I'll enjoy it, anyway.  
  
I haven't decided when I'm going to tell Hamilton, though. We talk on the phone at least once a day, but we have so many other things to discuss like; should I go back to school, what do we do about Finn and how much we miss each other. (And I wouldn't want to skip that part. I need to hear how much he misses me!) Besides, I don't want to talk about this over the phone. I'd rather be able to see his face when we talk about this.  
  
Wednesday, September 13, 2000  
  
Hamilton told me today that he found out Finn left campus for the break. Great. So what do I do now? I can't count on Finn calling me before school starts now.   
  
If I can't talk to Finn before school starts, should I go back? Should I take the chance that he either didn't see enough to know the truth (highly unlikely) or that he's understanding enough to let me stay? What if I get back there and he's already gone to the Dean and they have the police waiting for me or something?  
  
And there is still the issue of should I even try to go back. I know I want to be with Hamilton again. I know I like being at Rawley Boys. But can I really handle a whole semester of being a boy? A whole semester of pretending, lying, hiding...I'm not even sure I can do that. Can Hamilton and I really hide our feelings for each other for that long? Do we even want to hide our feelings for each other? Would it be better to stay here and try a long distance, but more normal relationship or go back to Rawley and have to hide and lie all the time just to be together?  
  
IF Finn were to let me stay...how would that change things? I'm pretty certain he saw I was a girl...so if he let me stay...I'm sure there would be some sort of punishment or conditions he would insist on. Finn's a pretty cool, unconventional guy, but allowing a girl to stay enrolled at a boys school is probably asking too much even of him.  
  
Oh god! That's another thing...Finn could easily tell Hamilton's father about the whole shower thing!!! In all my panic over him turning me in, I hadn't really thought about the fact that he'd have to tell the Dean about HOW he found out I was really a girl! That would be quite a conversation...huh? Tell the Dean that his son was caught about to jump into a shower with a girl who's been attending Rawley Boys. I can hear the lecture about sex starting just as soon as he was done yelling about the girl at Rawley Boys part.... Poor Hamilton, his parents would have lecture material for months!  
  
I guess the first thing I have to do is decide if I'm going back, transferring to another school or staying here in the city until I hear from Finn.  
  
Something tells me I won't get much sleep tonight....  
  
Thursday, September 14, 2000  
  
I was right. I hardly got any sleep at all last night and I've spent most of today thinking about my options, as well.   
  
By the time I called Hamilton after dinner, I still hadn't come to a decision. Talking to him helped, though and I decided to go back - unless I hear from Finn first. Hamilton pointed out that Finn probably hasn't turned me in...yet. He would have heard something about it by now if Finn had gone to his father. And if Finn is going to come back and bust me, he can do that whether I'm at Rawley or not. At least if I'm there, I may get a few days with Hamilton before the axe falls. And I REALLY want to see Hamilton again. I dream about him every night and miss him more than I thought was possible. I never understood what all the girls at my other schools were going on and on about when it came to guys. Now I understand and then some! I want to kiss and touch him so badly right now I could just scream in frustration.  
  
My doctor's appointment is tomorrow and I'm nervous about going. I still want to go and do this, but I'm not sure what to expect. It was hard to not tell Hamilton about what I was doing. Harder than I thought it would be, actually, because I'd like to talk to someone about it. I mean, it's a pretty big deal, but I don't know who I'd tell besides Hamilton and I want to tell him in person when the time is right.   
  
Friday, September 15, 2000  
  
OK, whoever came up with the whole pelvic exam thing HAD to be a guy! There is no way a woman thought that up and decided to subject other women to it. I was nervous enough answering the questions and all, but that part was really uncomfortable and embarrassing. But it's done now. I'm glad it's over and I'm still happy with my decision to do this.   
  
The nurse asked me a lot of questions and I could tell she wasn't happy about a 16 year old wanting to go on the Pill. For a while I thought she was going to call my mom or something, but then I realized that my mother would probably be okay with this. She may be clueless sometimes, but she immediately saw that Hamilton was someone special to me and she's the one that brought up sex. Since she already seems to think that Hamilton and I are up to no good...I'm pretty sure she'd want us to be careful and would go along with my decision even if she didn't like it. And I will tell her about this if she brings up sex again. I don't plan on picking up the phone and announcing it, but if she wants to talk about sex again; I'll tell her that Hamilton and I aren't, but since it could happen I wanted to be careful. Considering how many times she's already asked about Hamilton, I should prepare myself now for this conversation because I don't think it will long before the subject comes up again.  
  
They gave me the first month's pills to get started, but I have to figure out how I'm going to get the prescription refilled when I'm at school. "Jake" can't very well go waltzing into the local drugstore and get these! I guess I'll have to drive to Carson or something.  
  
The nurse also gave me this huge lecture on how the Pill only prevents pregnancy; I should still be worried about disease and such. I really don't think this is a huge issue with Hamilton, but it is better to be safe. So...I think my alter ego may be making a trip to the drugstore for a box of condoms, too. Jake is just such a stud....   
  
I can't wait to see the look on Hamilton's face when I tell him about this. Then again, I can't wait to see Hamilton's face again...period!  
  
  
  



	10. Surprise!

Title:Dear Diary, Part 10/?  
Author:Debi  
Email:IanFan9@aol.com  
Feedback:Yes, please.  
Rating:R (we're finally getting to the good stuff)  
Category:Jake and Hamilton   
Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my fantasies!  
Summary: What if Jake had kept a journal of her adventure at Rawley? This part picks up with Jake in NY, but very bored and lonely. Jake plans a surprise for Hamilton with Bella's help.  
Spoilers:Kinda pointless now.  
Thanks:Thank you to Ev, for always having such great ideas and to everyone who sent feedback on previous DD parts and Hamilton's Journal. Hearing what everyone is thinking helps keep me motivated and inspired.  
Note: Since this is FFN, the words in all caps would normally be in italics.  
  
  
  
Saturday, September 16, 2000  
  
  
School doesn't start until Wednesday, but I've had it - I'm going back. I'm not waiting until Wednesday. I'm sick of being alone and not seeing Hamilton. I'm tired of wondering what's happening at Rawley and worrying about what Finn's gonna do to me. I'm going back tomorrow. I don't know what's going to happen when I get there, but at least I'll be with Hamilton and I won't have to wait another 4 excruciatingly long days to find out.  
  
Why the sudden change in plans? I finally got to talk to Bella today. We had a really nice, long talk and came up with a great plan. I'm so happy for her, too. They got the station back. Apparently, the trip to Carson wasn't a waste of time after all. Her Mom changed her mind about selling and signed the station over to Bella and Grace. She's still not sure what she wants to do about her Mom, though. Her Mom wants a second chance, but she's not sure she can give that right now. I couldn't help Bella with that one. I have no idea what I'd do if my father suddenly showed up and wanted to be "Dad." I can't begin to imagine how I'd feel, although I do have about a million questions I'd like to ask him. Or maybe just one really big one - "why weren't you here?"   
  
Bella said she's not sure she can ever forgive her mother for leaving. I don't know if I could forgive my father. Honestly, I don't know if there's anything to forgive. For all I know, he doesn't even know about me. I don't really know what happened since Mom never talks about it and I've never really asked. It's always just been the two of us, and Consuela. As a little kid, I never even questioned the lack of a father. I thought everything was perfectly normal until I went into school and saw other kids and their dads and they started asking me where mine was. One of these days, I'm going to ask Mom about him, I just don't know when since it's so hard to have a real conversation with her.  
  
Ok, enough of the depressing stuff; I'm too excited for that right now. Back to the plan Bella and I came up with. I'm alone in New York. Hamilton is alone in New Rawley. My mother is off working, his parents went away for the weekend and Charlie is leaving Monday to go to Boston for three days. Why should we all be alone when we can be together? So...I'm going to leave early tomorrow and surprise Hamilton by showing up at his door! We can spend tomorrow night together since his parents won't be home until Monday night, then I can go to Bella's for Monday and Tuesday. Bella said it should be no problem to get rid of Grace for 2 nights. She's always looking for an excuse to get out of working. Students can check into the dorms on Wednesday, so I just need to pack enough clothes to get through until then. I should be able to fit that much on my bike. I can have all my other stuff ready and waiting for Consuela to ship to the school on Monday. Hopefully, by Wednesday I will have talked to Finn and found out what his plans are for me. But even if he kicks me out, I will still get to see Hamilton and spend one night with him - all alone. I can't wait to see him again. The look on his face when he opens the door should be priceless! God, I'm so excited I can barely sit still.   
  
I have to decide what to bring first since I don't have a lot of room on the bike. Obviously, I need Jake clothes, but when I'm at Hamilton's I want to wear something normal, something that leaves no question as to my true gender. I can't wear anything too girly on the bike, though. Maybe I'll stop at Bella's when I get to town and get cleaned up and changed before I go to Hamilton's. It's a short ride from Bella's to his house; I should be able to make it ok in shorts or something. Or maybe Bella could even drop me off there and I could hide my bike in her garage.  
  
God, I can't wait to see him again, touch him again, kiss him again... I don't know if it's because I miss him so much or because I decided to go on the Pill, but I've had sex on the brain lately. I can't stop thinking about what it will be like. It's not like we're going to DO IT tomorrow night...well...that's not the plan anyway, but what WILL we do? We've never been alone that long before. And in my dorm room, it's not like we were totally alone anyway. We were always thinking about who saw him come in and what they could hear through the door. We always watched what and how much we did for fear of being interrupted or caught. Tomorrow night we'll be totally alone. There shouldn't be students on campus and we'll be at his house, away from any prying eyes and ears. So...what's going to happen? I think it's a good time to tell him about my appointment, but what else? What should I wear to bed? Where will I sleep?  
  
I think I'd like sleeping next to him again. In the cabin on the trip to Carson, we snuggled together all night long and it was wonderful. But there were 4 other people in the room, so it's not like anything was going to happen then. Tomorrow night, there won't be any other people. We could sleep in the same bed if we wanted and wear what we want to wear and do whatever we wanted to do. So what do I want?   
  
Hmmm...  
  
I want to make up for lost time, spend every minute with at least one part of me touching him. Ok, well, except for going to the bathroom and such. Oh, that's another thing! What if he asks me to shower with him again? Do I say yes? I was willing to say yes in the dorm bathroom, but will I say yes when we'll be alone in a bathroom that has a lockable door? God, I don't know...I guess I'll just have to wait and see how I feel when I'm actually there. Just in case though, "Jake" better make that trip to the drugstore for condoms on the way out tomorrow. The pill isn't effective yet and I don't want to take any chances. I reacted once without thinking and it landed us in a huge mess. If I get close to Hamilton and start reacting with my hormones instead of my brain again, we could land in an even bigger mess.  
  
Ok, I have to pack and try to get some sleep. It's a long ride to New Rawley and tomorrow it's going to feel ten times longer than it really is. I can't wait to see Hamilton!!  
  
  
Sunday, September 17, 2000  
  
  
Ok, I think I'm ready. All I have to do is throw this into my bag and zip it up. I'm all packed. After much deliberation, I finally decided what girl stuff I wanted to bring (Jake's stuff was a no-brainer). Short shorts and halter-tops. Hamilton will love those and they don't take up much space in the bag. I also stopped by the drugstore when it opened this morning.   
  
Even as Jake, THAT was embarrassing! Almost as embarrassing as the pelvic exam, but not quite - in the "Family Planning" aisle at the drugstore there weren't any stirrups and I was fully dressed. But geez, there are so many kinds to choose from and it's not like you want to stand there and inspect them all. Well...actually I did. I just didn't want anyone to SEE ME inspecting each box. Every time someone walked past me in the aisle, I was sure they were staring at me. And walking to the register with box in hand? God, it was like waving a big red flag that said, "I'm going to have sex!" (Even though that's not the plan for tomorrow.) And of course, the only person working the cash register was this good-looking guy about my age. To him, I was just another guy hoping to get lucky. To me, I was a GIRL paying for CONDOMS right in front of a CUTE guy - EXTREMELY embarrassing! I wonder if he noticed how red my face was? All I have to say is that Hamilton had better appreciate everything I've done for us this past week!   
  
  
Monday, September 18, 2000  
  
  
Oh my God, yesterday was amazing! It was so wonderful; there just aren't enough adjectives. I stopped here at the station when I got in and Bella let me shower and change clothes before driving me over to Hamilton's. With one condition...she got to be there when Hamilton opened the door and saw me. I could live with that and it was a priceless moment. When he opened that door...man! So many emotions flashed across his face in the 2 seconds it took before he screamed "Jake?" and picked me up in a huge hug. It was absolutely perfect! Bella was grinning from ear to ear. When Hamilton finally stopped hugging and kissing me long enough to find out how I ended up at his door, he went and hugged her, too.   
  
After she left, we went inside and spent a long time just sitting on the couch, holding hands and staring at each other. It was like we couldn't believe it was for real. It was so nice to see him again, to drown in those gorgeous blue oceans he has for eyes. His eyes are beautiful in pictures, but a picture doesn't even begin to compare to the real thing! I could get lost in them forever.   
  
Eventually, we started talking and I told him more about the trip down and what the plan was for the rest of the week. Then he asked me if I was hungry - which I thought was strange since we hadn't kissed since Bella left. I asked him how he could think about food instead of kissing me - he said he was afraid if he started, he wouldn't want to stop. He missed me as much as I missed him. I told him I'd take my chances with his willpower and pulled him close. The first kiss was so tender and sweet, almost as if he was afraid to kiss me. He just pressed his lips against mine and let them rest there, savoring the contact. But the second one, well...that could only be described as "blazing." And the ones after that...even better than blazing!   
  
But we didn't have to worry about willpower, after all. My stomach intervened by growling loud enough for Hamilton to hear after about 20 minutes. It was rather embarrassing, but I had been too excited to eat this morning and didn't want to stop for anything but gas on the ride down. I had to admit I was starving for more than just Hamilton. We decided to order a pizza and he showed me around the house while we waited for it. I'd never really been here before so it was cool to see what "Hamilton's world" looked like. Over dinner we talked about Finn and what could happen when I see him. Hamilton thinks he'll be back on campus tomorrow, so that doesn't leave me much time to work up the nerve to face him. As we were finishing the pizza, I finally decided to bring up the shower incident. We still had never really discussed it and I thought we should.   
  
It's funny, but as nervous as I was, he was more nervous. He didn't know what to do. He never expected me to say yes. It was just a spur-of-the-moment idea for him. He fully expected me to say no, and that would have been the end of it. The fact that I didn't say no - shocked the hell out of him. He said he just about had a heart attack when I said okay and started getting undressed. He was so surprised that he had no idea what he was going to do once I got in there with him. And once I had my shirt and jeans off, he couldn't think about anything other than "Jake is undressing - right here, right now." It makes me feel better so much better to know he was scared, too.  
  
While we cleaned up from dinner, I was still trying to decide how and when to tell Hamilton about the Pill. Turns out, I didn't have to make that decision, either. As soon as the kitchen was cleaned up, Hamilton took my hand and told me he had something important to show me. I was more than little curious when he led me to his bedroom. He looked nervous as he went to his dresser and pulled out something from the back of a drawer. Before he turned back around, he started to tell me that he had been thinking about something since the shower and they we really needed to talk about it. When he turned around and I saw what was in his hand - a box of condoms - I couldn't help but laugh. At first he looked hurt, he was trying to be responsible about our relationship and I was laughing at him...until I went in my bag and pulled out the pills AND a box of condoms! Then we were both laughing. We sat down on his bed and had a long talk about sex since we were both obviously thinking about it. We agreed that when it happens, it happens. It will feel right at that moment and since we BOTH took the first step by being prepared, we can just let it happen. It made me feel really good that Hamilton was thinking the same things I was about being prepared and cared enough about me to go and buy protection. I knew he cared about me, but that sort of proved it a little more. And he was damn impressed (not to mention surprised) by what I did, so that made me feel even better.   
  
After we were done talking we found ourselves just sitting on the bed staring at each other again. Just looking at each other, memorizing every detail and enjoying being close to each other. After a few minutes, though, I needed more. I needed to kiss him and touch him and wrap myself around him. He felt the same way and before long we were tangled around each other on his bed.   
  
Now, I could be happy kissing Hamilton forever, but it just seemed like the right time to explore new territory. I'd seen him so many times with his shirt off, but rarely got to touch him because there were usually other people around. He looked pleasantly surprised when I grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. I took my time and explored all the delicious contours of his chest. Hamilton has an incredible chest. It felt so good to run my hands all over and kiss wherever I wanted to kiss. Of course, to Hamilton that meant that turnabout was fair play and after I had kissed a sensitive spot one too many times, I felt my shirt being pulled off. I didn't resist and I have to say that the skin-to-skin contact was unlike anything else. Like fireworks or sparks, it just sizzled.   
  
And so did Hamilton. I have to say he has amazing hands and even more amazing lips. I never knew I could feel the way he made me feel. I can only hope I made him feel as good, but judging by the sounds he was making - I think I did. By the time we finally came up for air, we were both down to our underwear. Needing to slow down a little, we laid there for a while just holding each other. It was so wonderful being wrapped in his arms, against his body without the usual corset and two layers of shirts in the way. Just being able to touch him and hold him like that was pure heaven.   
  
But it had also gotten to be quite late and the soft caress of his hands and the warmth and security of his arms was suddenly making me want to close my eyes. Hamilton, of course, noticed and asked me if I was tired. I wasn't tired - I was exhausted. I had barely slept the night before from all the excitement of planning the trip and then made the drive from NYC to New Rawley on a motorcycle. I asked him if he would be disappointed if we went to sleep. I thought he'd be upset since things had been so hot and heavy and here I was suddenly switching gears on him. But in true Hamilton fashion, instead of being upset, he made me fall in love with him all over again. He said, "Disappointed? Why would I be disappointed? I get to sleep with a beautiful girl in my bed and hold her all night long. It's going to be the best night of my life." I swear, I can't imagine feeling any better than I did at that moment. I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I love Hamilton.   
  
We fell asleep soon after, still in our underwear. This morning, I couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to wake up in his arms and feel his whole body still pressed up against me. And I do mean his WHOLE body - Little Hammie was awake before Big Hamilton was. That was a little awkward and embarrassing, but otherwise, it was the most amazing feeling. I could definitely get used to sleeping with him. And I think I like knowing that I have that effect on him. It's cool to know I excite him since most of the time I'm dressed as a guy. And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little bit of a rush to know I do that to him. Maybe he had the right idea after all when he wanted to move into my room. I laid there enjoying every second of being next to him until he woke up. Then it was his turn to be embarrassed because he realized right away that I was already awake and so was his buddy. Have I mentioned that Hamilton is adorable when he's blushing in 80 shades of red?  
  
After he finally stopped trying to apologize for the way he woke up, he suggested I take a shower first. Since I was desperate to go brush my teeth, I agreed and headed for the bathroom. I left the door slightly open when I got in the shower in case he needed anything and soon enough, he knocked and asked if it was ok for him to come in and get his toothbrush. I told him he could come in and he asked if I was okay with him being in there. I said yes automatically, but then thought about it and I really was okay with him being there. I even started thinking about the last time we were both near a shower. I'd been thinking about what would have happened for two weeks and suddenly I had the chance to find out. Did I want to find out now?  
  
It didn't take me long to decide that I did. I wish I'd had a picture of his face when I poked my head out of the shower curtain and asked him if he'd like to join me. For the second time in as many days, he had the most wonderful, shocked, surprised and happy expression on his face. It was priceless.   
  
It didn't take him long to recover though or get excited again (boxer shorts don't hide much). He asked me if I was sure and I said I was. The smile on his face was about 12 miles wide and his eyes were positively sparkling. I think I stopped breathing as I watched him walk over, take off his boxers and step into the shower, because I know I was breathless when he got in there. What a body! The sight of him completely naked is one hell of a sight! Any previous adolescent thoughts about being grossed out by the sight of a naked male body were immediately banished. My heart was pounding so loud I was sure he could hear it.   
  
Neither one of us was sure what to do next, so we stood there for a minute or so just staring into each other's eyes. We both wanted to look other places, but hadn't quite worked up the nerve, yet. Finally, he broke the ice by saying "hi, boy" - that got us both giggling. Then he kissed me and we started to relax a little. We kissed for a long time, just letting the water run over us and kissing. I love the way he touches my face when he kisses me. It's so tender and sweet, and it makes me feel very feminine. Feeling feminine and pretty is so important since I spent all summer pretending to be a boy.   
  
I think we were both waiting for the other to make the next move, so finally, I jokingly asked "aren't we supposed to use soap in the shower?" He smiled and grabbed the bar of soap and offered to wash my back. It was cute and sweet, but I stopped breathing again as he turned me around and started lathering my shoulders and my back. It felt wonderful, but since I couldn't see his face anymore, now I had to wonder what he was thinking. How did I look to him? I didn't get to tan this summer, so did I look pale and sickly under the bright bathroom lights? Did I look ridiculous with my hair all wet and slicked back? Was he having second thoughts?  
  
I had just about worked myself into a full panic when he pulled me against him and held me. I could feel how excited he was and I could also see his hands shake a little. That helped calm me down again; he was excited but nervous, too. He held me so that my back was against his chest and he started running his soapy hands across my chest. I thought my knees were going to buckle! I reached back and put my hands on to his thighs, just to have something to hold and keep from falling. I can't begin to accurately describe how I felt. Pressed up against him, naked and wet, hearing him whisper my name and moan, his hands all over - it was sensory overload. Every nerve felt like it was on fire. And if the physical pleasure wasn't enough, I've never felt so "wanted" before. God, is that a rush!  
  
Then IT happened.  
  
I felt something hot and wet on my back, but it WASN'T water. I was confused and somewhat startled at first, but then couldn't help but giggle when I realized what had happened. Poor Hamilton, he was so embarrassed. No...he was beyond embarrassed. He was humiliated...mortified...looking for the earth to open up so he could disappear and not have to face me kind of embarrassed! Apparently, Little Hammie decided enough was enough - he wasn't waiting any longer and let go. Hamilton came right there in the shower. He looked like he wanted to die when I turned around. It took some serious convincing just to get him to look at me again, but he finally did. I told him that it made me feel good to know I could affect him in such an intense way. He looked more than a little shy when he asked if he had the same affect on me. I said I was standing in the shower with him, wet and naked, wasn't I?  
  
I probably should have just said, "yes," though. After I said that, he finally smiled and said, "Yes, you are and thank God Finn can't walk in on us this time!" The mention of Finn brought my raging hormones to a screeching halt and all my worries about getting caught, kicked out and never seeing Hamilton again to full speed. It only took a second for Hamilton to realize what he had said and what I was thinking about. He hugged me and told me not to worry, that it would all work out. He said there was no way he was going to let me leave now.   
  
While I was at home, I thought about what Finn could do all the time and I never once cried. But standing there in the shower, on the doorstep of losing my virginity, thinking that Finn could kick me out and I'd never see Hamilton again was too much. I could feel my eyes watering and had to bite my lip to keep them from falling. Hamilton must have realized the moment was over because he turned off the water. Wrapped in towels, we went and sat on his bed. I needed him to just hold me and keep telling me we could find a way for me to stay at Rawley. I apologized for, once again, ruining our big moment. He told me I was being silly, nothing was ruined. He said it had been the most incredible 24 hours of his life and when it was meant to happen, we would take the next step. I asked him what he meant by "meant to happen." Didn't he want to anymore? He replied with a rather enthusiastic "hell, yes!" and put my hand over the rather hard bulge in his towel to prove it. Then he explained that maybe we were rushing things a little right now because we were both afraid I might not be there later. He was right, maybe we were. We talked about it more and agreed that we should wait until after I talk to Finn before taking that final step.   
  
That doesn't mean we didn't have a lot more fun, though! We talked about a lot of things, but most of the day was spent making out and exploring each other. It felt so good to be able to touch, look and explore freely. And not just the obvious places - places like his ankles, too. He has such sexy legs and his bare ankles are just icing on the cake. I could spend hours running my fingertips from his ankles to his thighs, just tracing every curve. And when he does stuff like that to me? Well, it's fireworks better than any Fourth of July. I can totally see why people make such a big deal about sex and stuff.  
  
We finally had to admit that we were starving and since his parents would be home soon, we decided to go eat at the diner. I hated having to go out as a boy again, but it was too risky to go out in my shorts and halter-top. If by some miracle, Finn lets me stay, I didn't want to blow it by getting caught by someone else. After dinner, he walked me to Bella's. We hung out with her for a while before Hamilton had to get home to his parents. It was so hard to let him go after our amazing day together. I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to leave Rawley!   
  
So now I'm here at Bella's. I'm writing while she's finishing up some work and then we are going to watch movies and eat popcorn. Somewhere in there I have to work up the courage to face Finn tomorrow. I want to see him as early as possible, too. I need to get this over with so I can stop worrying and start making plans. If he just kicks me out, I need to get into another school quickly. If he turns me in to the school administration, I have to tell my mom about all this before the Dean calls her and Hamilton is going to need to have a long talk with his parents, too. Tomorrow could be one very ugly day.  



End file.
